Lost in a difficult marriage

[Leisuresuit]

This is probably a common issue for many bros here kand I am not even sure a commercial sex forum is the right place to seek advice or a sympathetic ear.

I am in my mid 40s, married and have 2 very young kids. I have been married to my wife for over 10 years. In our years of marriage, our relationship had slowly deteriorated to the point that we were quarrelling daily over meaningless things that triggered her. Over time she broke my heart and faith in the institution of marriage by suggesting divorce over what seemed to me to be small things.

We have our fair share of flaws but while I was prepared to accept her flaws, she was constantly critical of mine. We rarely had sex, she had some resistance to penetrative sex as she said she wasn't ready or we weren't ready to have kids, because I did not have good financial habits (btw I'm not in debt nor do I have vices, but do not save enough).

Subsequently, she suddenly wanted to have kids as she felt her biological clock ticking. We did have sex to try for kids. But it's not enjoyable. While I love my kids, I wonder why I agreed to bring them to this world, to have them witness our fights.

Consequently, i engaged in some commercial sex, but I found that I crave the familiarity of someone regular. It was good during the days of hc and Malaysian mls, you could rtf the same person and build a friendship.

In our recent fights she complained that I had forgotten our anniversary, but she had never acted like she cared for the relationship or anniversary. I also genuinely forgot.

I often envy bros who appear to have a successful or happy marriage, whether or not the bro still eat outside. I also wonder if I should agree to divorce the next time she brings it up. Maybe it brings a second chance to both of us, although I am sure the kids will become damage as a result.

[obeyyodude]

I'm not in your situation so I cant say I understand, I can only provide a listening ear. I guess for you, divorce will be very difficult because of the kids. Hope you can have a favourable conclusion, maybe you can try asking her to separate but not divorce (for the kids), I see several benefits to that. Maybe by the time your kids realize, they will be old enough to understand the situation.

I am also in a bit of a situation myself, if you don't mind me sharing I can post in the next reply.

[Leisuresuit]

Please go ahead and share your story. Guess many of us are in a similar boat

[Newbieshag]

Bro , have you try marriage counselling. Many a times marriage broke down due to not communicating enough. Just like mine for too much pride and not willing to communicate.
I suggest to try marriage counselling before considering the next step . All the best and stay strong .

[Leisuresuit]

Actually I suggested counselling but she had flat refused. She has a horrible blame mindset and do not think she has any issues.

Take for example, if she is expressing hostility daily, like someone full of poison and thorns, and steer clear of her and do what is necessary to take care of her. Yet she can complain that I don't treat her like a women or am not tender towards her.

[Newbieshag]

Originally Posted by Leisuresuit

Actually I suggested counselling but she had flat refused. She has a horrible blame mindset and do not think she has any issues.

Take for example, if she is expressing hostility daily, like someone full of poison and thorns, and steer clear of her and do what is necessary to take care of her. Yet she can complain that I don't treat her like a women or am not tender towards her.

But divorcing with 2 young kids is not easy, who will have the custody of the kids? Have you spoken to your in-law ? Whatever it takes to salvage, do it. Talk to her if there is any thing that can be done to save the marriage or even delay the thought of divorce for the time being.

Wishing you all the best and will pray for you !

[obeyyodude]

Originally Posted by Leisuresuit

Please go ahead and share your story. Guess many of us are in a similar boat

Basically, I was a big simp for her as she was my first gf. Whatever she wants I will do, granted she is not a spendthrift and doesn't ask me to buy expensive things, more like she must always have her way and I always gave in to her wishes. This culminated in her demanding that we buy a flat and subsequently get married for a very stupid reason, when I had just started working and had no money (back then I was working full time for 1 year only and on a gross salary of less than 1.5k). My parents told me I was lucky she wanted me as she was more educated than me so they loaned me money and everything, I worked like mad to pay my HDB loan and joint account for home expenses, and am still working 14 hours a day.

Fast forward to last year, I know this sounds dumb but when I watched the Johnny Depp divorce proceedings, I realized she did things that were similar, a lot of emotional blackmail and manipulation. I doubted myself at first, so I started asking around the people I know, but I swapped the gender, and said it was "my young colleague". Every single person said their advice was to break up as those things were major red flags.

Now it's easier to notice when she tries to do things, for example she's been trying to suggest selling our flat and buying resale at more central area. I said no because sell high buy even higher, I don't want to extend my loan again. She then went behind my back to talk to my parents to try to convince me.

I guess some switch inside me just flipped after, and I can't feel anything towards her anymore, I'm still working 14 hours 6 days a week, but at least now it's to build my savings and enjoy life a bit instead of just trying to survive. I don't dare to suggest divorce yet, as our flat haven't mop, but at least we both didn't want kids.

Now waiting for the right time to separate.

[Marmots]

My suggestions.

First off, set down some golden rules between you and your wife.

Eg.

We NEVER quarrel in front of the kids or within earshot of the kids.

No negative mood displays around the kids.

When you have kids, there are now different priorities. You may not be able to give them the best or what you want to give, but first make sure they are not affected by what is not right between the two of you.

Do not eat alone at home if spouse is around. One important aspect of house vs home/family is sharing a meal together. Even if one party is full, having a drink while keeping company is important.

My wife used to tell me to eat first if I was hungry. I told her that we're a family, we eat together. It is not respect for her or me, it is something you hold on to because that's what part of family is. One time I got mad when she told me to have my meal first. I told her, we're a family. If we can't even eat together when we are together, what do we have left ? So my wife stopped her dilly dallies and we have our meals together now.

Tell your wife "divorce" is a very very serious matter. It is not something to be uttered in a moment of anger. It is much better to do a shutdown than to utter that word. Much much less damage done and have time to cool down.

Above are ways to prevent further damage. You will also have to find ways to enhance the relationship.

In a previous bf/gf relationship I had, I was quite distracted for a while. My gf would ask me what was wrong, but I just gave standard dude reply, nothing wrong. After about 2-3 weeks of distracted state, after intimacy, I told her I was sorry about not paying attention to her, cos I was thinking about the future and not sure which path to take, which was important to me.

She did not say much, I recall, but she did hug me tightly and one thing stood out. She said no matter what I wanted to do, she will be there. I remember doing a light snap on her forehead and said, If I was single, my future is easy to decide, it is because of you that I need to think more carefully, cause you are included in all my future planning.

It was the truth. The matter of fact way I said it let her realize her standing with me. ( sadly, we did not make it).
Also, the apology also let her know that the neglect was not intentional, and you feel bad about it.

This is starting to be a text wall, so a last bit.

Share amusing stuff. I observed this 2 things and shared it with my wife.

Have you guys ever seen this type of dude who would go over his hair carefully, and adjusting each strand to optimize the placement so as to accentuate his looks in public washroom. I have quite often. So I went to the toilet and saw this guy doing his routine, and after I released, he was still there at it, meticulously moving each strand. I took some time washing my hands cos I wanted to see how long he can take moving his hair here and there. He took quite a while, and here comes the wtf.

He puts on his cap after he was done with his hair. I was so like WTF ??

I shared it with my wife and we had a laugh.
Share the small things that makes you amused and wonder, its part of what life is.

The second thing was I saw this sign that said no urinating and told my wife. I asked her if that meant you can't take a piss there but having a dump is fine ? We both laughed.

The small things enhances/solidifies the foundation, so it can better withstand the burdens life brings.

[Leisuresuit]

Hi bros, thanks.

I am surprised by the amount of kind, family oriented, and wise advice I am receiving. This is after all, a forum focused on commercial sex. I will be revisiting these advice from time to time.

I am not contemplating divorce myself and do whatever I can to resolve, avoid or defer the issue. The mention is more to illustrate the severity of the situation.

Wife is very clever, top student in schools, and we are both professionals. Early days she would be nicer to me than I am to her as I had taken many things for granted, but I have continuously changed for the better but nothing I do now seem to be good enough for her

[Leisuresuit]

It is difficult to communicate with her, let alone set ground rules...

[Marmots]

Yeah dude, not too sure how to go about it cos you were looking for something easy ?

Nothing is going to be easy with the relationship at your described state.

Not in debt does not mean no vice, your posting history suggest otherwise.
If some efforts there were applied to your marriage ?

Also, there was a huge red flag I missed.....has it crossed your mind ?

[Leisuresuit]

Yes. I had engaged in commercial sex. To clarify (i re read my post, i meamt no gambling, drinking). I am not addicted to commercial sex and probably done it on and off maximum once every 2 weeks and not every month. Not to justify myself, but it started after we aren't doing it at home.

Finances wise, no huge savings. I tend to indulge in hobbies and food but over the years, I've made significant improvements in this aspect.

[Leisuresuit]

Could you point out the red flag.

[VoicesWithin]

Bro,
There is a Divorce / Unhappy / Sexless Marriage group chat here.

From https://sbfsg.org/showthread.php?t=710559

We are on wechat. Started by a bro years ago. Today, the group is about 200 strong.

We operate as a support group. Where we share our marriage challenges. And get views on our situations. Who is right, who is wrong, how to move forward etc. Most are in their 40s. With kids and families.

The Admin is kinda busy at the moment. If you are keen, I can get you inside the group. PM me.

[marlborosmoker]

Originally Posted by Leisuresuit

Yes. I had engaged in commercial sex. To clarify (i re read my post, i meamt no gambling, drinking). I am not addicted to commercial sex and probably done it on and off maximum once every 2 weeks and not every month. Not to justify myself, but it started after we aren't doing it at home.

Finances wise, no huge savings. I tend to indulge in hobbies and food but over the years, I've made significant improvements in this aspect.

Hoping you and your wife can solve this fucked up situation and save the marriage. But I think what other bros write here are very correct, communication is the base. If she despises you that much, let's try to get the bottom of the reason.