How badly financially ruined is life after divorce?

[larue]

Originally Posted by Penetrator3

What I am really trying to say is, if its not our men's fault for the divorce, I don't see why we should be paying for it, simply because in the eyes of Singapore Law, women are always protected by the Charter.

In the eyes of the law, fault has nothing to do with anything when it comes to the settling of ancillary matters.

In the eyes of the law, all that matters is that assets are split as fairly as can be measured by contribution, and/or the supporting spouses means, and the extent to which one spouse has been financially supported by the other.

The court will not be awarding anybody extra because it was ‘not their fault’ or any such crap.

And if there’s a child or children, all that matters is what the court believes is best for them.

There is no such thing as fault being factor in dividing assets or access to kids, or rubbish like the women’s charter always protecting women.

If there’s any ‘protection’ of women, it is only in the generally accepted idea that they should be the default caregivers to children and a very high bar is set for men who want full time care of the children.

[stfu2]

Originally Posted by Penetrator3

In view of such dire financial conditions on your part, why would u want to divorce? Unless u have immediate plans to marry someone who is waiting for you?

Because otherwise, I would in your shoes, just move out. Rent a place if you really can't stand being at home. But u need to be strong, stand ur ground and let ur wife knows she is the one causing this family to break up.

Meanwhile, as you regain ur sanity staying on ur own, you will not lose out so much financially sans just the rental expenses. But renting a studio apartment won't cost u an arm or leg.

What I am really trying to say is, if its not our men's fault for the divorce, I don't see why we should be paying for it, simply because in the eyes of Singapore Law, women are always protected by the Charter.

Moving out without divorcing is very costly unless you want to rent a common room somewhere with strangers. I stayed with strangers during my university years and it was always unpleasant, with people neglecting to clean up after themselves in kitchen or bathroom, or “borrowing” your stuff. Contributed to me being a cynic and misanthrope.

In last two years, rental increased crazy from 1.5k for tiny studio to 2.5-3k in cheaper areas of Woodlands in the north. Now property agents are lining people up at flat viewing and asking them to bid for the highest price. Heard this from 3 separate people. Market is very bad if you want to rent and you can also lose your job with layoffs, soon. My company already did 2 rounds of layoffs.

Let me tell you my last rental viewing 6 months ago when my wife really pissed me off, I went looking. 2.6k in Woodlands, small studio, dual key unit, not full privacy, no access to balcony, you don’t have like a store room. There is a kitchenette but for show, the landlord prefer you don’t cook at all, maybe only instant noodles. Also she kepo and sus about your girlfriend visiting and staying time to time. She is worried the utility bill will go too high. I didn’t want to nego and she had ton of desperate tenants queued up, so there is that. Also the owner hogs the car park, I have to pay for hdb car park and go outside condo to park my car and come back, wtf.

Landlords and agents are having a field day. Be ready for inflated accommodation costs if you’re moving out.

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by iluvbreast

The proper term used here is 'maintenance' (as in you need to maintain the person).

I will try to repeat what my lawyer told me (from what I can recall), anything more, you should sound it out from your own lawyer.

There are 4 things to divorce, 1st is the dissolve of the marriage, 2nd care and control of your child, 3rd is the division of your matrimonial assets, 4th is maintenance



3rd part involve in proofing the asset is matrimonial or not, then come the argument who is entitled how much. How to split is depending on how much each party contribute to the marriage.
For example in my case, I contributed to about 80% of the flat (including initial payment, instalments etc). My ex-wife just contributed to the initial payment (but not instalments even though she was working).
So when splitting, I finally got closed to 70% share of the house, my ex-wife then took up a loan and bought over my share.
Luckily the value of the house then has risen and my 70% was enough to repaid CPF (including accrued interest) and left me with a bit of cash.
That was my bottom line when I negotiated (through my lawyer) over the share quantum.

4th part, the considerations are, for child maintenance, no matter what both parents are to contribute to the upbringing of the child, how much sometimes depends on how much time the child spends with each parent. Some people will fix an amount (but as the child grows up then both parties will again have to argue over the amount). In my case, my lawyer advised for expenses to be shared proportionally, be it education, medical etc. This is cheaper because my ex-wife and me can sort it out without the need for lawyers.

Spousal maintenance for my case is nil, because my ex-wife never stop working throughout the marriage, in fact she gotten career progression.
Also she was not close to retirement at all.
I am not so highly paid such that I can afford for her to stop work after marrying (this is important too).

These are what my lawyer told me during our (many) consultant sessions. I am glad that other samsters have started to remind you to look for a good lawyer. Previously, when we have threads like these everyone started to give their views or experiences. The worst were the views; a lot of times they are by samsters who definitely are not lawyers nor have they been through divorce(s).

The contribution is similar as my case. she paid some downpayment, I paid equal and more then I continue the instalment myself. Financial contributed 80%.

Was yours contested to involve judge?

Wife being a pessimistic and negative person, she very fearful of her income. She wants to keep the house and give me 25% of what I contributed. But she say I no need to pay for kids maintenance.

Wonder if this will work out. Either way I will end up paying probably around 200k til the baby reach adulthood. Or I lost my 200k to her now.
Either I get lump sum now and pay maintenance, or I start fresh, but I free from maintenance.

Dilemma.
Is there even such thing as lump sum settlement for kids maintenance?

But sometimes I don't want her to freely gain the 4rm flat at such cheap price. Want her to suffer some hardship alittle as I can't forgive her for years of verbal BS from her mouth. But the kid will suffer with her which isn't what i want to see.

[iluvbreast]

Originally Posted by kt88_2

She working ,I paid for the unit,so pay her cash

so how much was her share of the flat? as in there is no reason that she can claim the whole flat (not that she won't try).

[slickdick87]

divorce with a child is a little complicated. show the court that uve been paying mortgages,bills etc. try ur best u keep u child

[balotelli]

Done that when my kid was 3 years old.
Similar situation.

I would say, my financial situation is better AFTER the divorce. But that might specific to my situation.

If she never contributes anything, and you paying, let's say 80% of the expenses, after divorce, everything becomes 50-50.

[ALSS74]

Life is meangingless

Life with no kid by your side is even more meaningless.

Such life is very frightening

[sky_liner2]

Would it be better if wife is still healthy and working, kid(s) grown up above 21y.o.? Easy to divorce and will not ruin that bad in terms of financial?

[larue]

Originally Posted by sky_liner2

Would it be better if wife is still healthy and working, kid(s) grown up above 21y.o.? Easy to divorce and will not ruin that bad in terms of financial?

Of course that is the ‘cheapest’ route to divorce, but it has to be measured against one’s own happiness, ability to tahan the union and most importantly whether staying together is better or worse for the children.

Many kids get totally fucked up by their parents staying together, but people tend to focus only on kids of failed marriages.

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by larue

Of course that is the ‘cheapest’ route to divorce, but it has to be measured against one’s own happiness, ability to tahan the union and most importantly whether staying together is better or worse for the children.

Many kids get totally fucked up by their parents staying together, but people tend to focus only on kids of failed marriages.

Yeah I agree. I also thought hard and long about it. Just tahan tahan tahan, but alot of internal unhappiness, it becomes resentment, wife become more pissed, everything spiral down. U really need to be willing to swallow every shit if u want to tahan all the way.

Wife never know when to stop with her critisms, contempt, lack of respect, even called my family members mentally unstable.

Life at home can be very unstable, and can't plan ahead because dunno when shit will start again and your daily mood becomes negative.
In the beginning, it's just unhappiness at home. Prolong the situation, it becomes part of u, and u go to work unhappy too, then ur friends start to notice too, u just being constantly unhappy because of a unhappy home.
Then peace comes, it last for 2 weeks then shit starts again. Half my marriage is war, half is peace. I changed, I try to be nicer, but wife can't understand she makes mistake too, everything is my fault. It's different if she's just too pride to admit wrong, vs she really believe she has no wrong. U can't reason anything. U can't move forward in life, like something dragging u if the partner doesn't improve together.


Not proud of being a family man. I start to dislike when ppl ask abt my child, because i don't even feel like one, more like a provider and trusted helper in times of needs. That's all. All suggestive will be counter with "u know nothing", words are harsh and piercing when my wife does her verbal defends or attack.

Yeah I'm abit sensitive with insults n harsh words, but I don't think I turn out like this without all the years of contempt and critism, lack of respect, inability of her to admit any wrongs, lack of consideration for me.

[airman]

I feel you bro as my wife is also like that having been married for 30 over years. She is just like the PAP; can do no wrong and she is not at fault and has the monopoly of wisdom.

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by airman

I feel you bro as my wife is also like that having been married for 30 over years. She is just like the PAP; can do no wrong and she is not at fault and has the monopoly of wisdom.

How u managed to tahan 30years?
Complete lack of ability to listen is a really a big no for me. We fought over this issue before, ended up the arguement I was wrong to make her not listen.

[airman]

we quarreled during the initial years of marriage but as years went by, I found that it was not healthy mentally for us and the children as well so I learnt to compromise while my wife also done her part. To be frank, she is a great housewife and mother to our children which I neglected them when I was pursuing my career. Just have to console myself that nobody is perfect.

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by airman

we quarreled during the initial years of marriage but as years went by, I found that it was not healthy mentally for us and the children as well so I learnt to compromise while my wife also done her part. To be frank, she is a great housewife and mother to our children which I neglected them when I was pursuing my career. Just have to console myself that nobody is perfect.

Yeah I learnt to compromise too and not question her action. Went for counselling last time, came back to hear her say counsellor don't know shit. She kept debating with counsellor during the session when counsellor pointed out things she can do to improve. I guess no more luck for my marriage.

[airman]

how long have you been married? perhaps getting someone who your wife is closed to or look up to and let this person give pointers on making your marriage work.
I suspect your wife thought the marriage counsellor was just an outsider and would not take in his/her views seriously.
By the way, how did you get this marriage counsellor and how much did it cost?