Quote:
Originally Posted by Timely Rain
Thank you all for the inputs. I learnt so much.
My son asks me not to divorce until he reaches 18. I cannot read his mind.
|
I am guessing your son is around 11 years old? Basis your statement that you and your wife has slept in separate beds for the last 10 years. Boys that age still have some remnants of attachment to their parents, and especially to you if you have been close to him and developed the father-son bond. You do not have to worry about the 18 year old bit - the moment he progresses into teenagehood the attachment usually disappears quite quickly.
To a child, seeing their parents fight or contemplate divorce is like having their world collapse on them. They will always prefer having both daddy and mummy in the same house, and around the dinner table. And he will not want to see you fight with your wife no matter who is right or wrong. The two of you are his world since young, so he naturally fears the divorce because it feels like his world is coming to an end before he can fend for himself. The fact that your son is giving you a timeline shows that he acknowledges deep inside that Daddy is probably happier if he does not have to live with Mummy. You will be amazed, if you talk to your son properly how mature and developed his feelings are. Children undergoing divorce become mature beyond their years - it's a survival mechanism that kicks in because they know deep inside that they cannot afford to be a child for much longer, they need to grow up, fast.
My son is younger than yours and I went through a divorce when he was just 5 years old. After a few years, he has gotten used to the idea that there are two houses that he can choose to stay - weekends he stays with Mummy and weekdays he stays with me. A son will generally stick to, and defend his mother no matter what she has done so you will have to accept that your (soon to be ex) wife's hold over him will be stronger than the relationship you can have with your son.
What you can do in the interim, is to acknowledge why your son is acting the way he does, and assure him that you will continue doing your duty as a father and develop that bond with your son. Parents who have had daughters as well as sons will notice, that from the toddler stage, boys instinctively develop this mechanism where they know what Mummy is good for and what Daddy is good at. Girls do not do this, generally. Meaning, boys know that they need to follow you because they need to learn how to be a man, but that is separate from his need for his mother which is a primal, lifelong bond that has nothing to do with you being married to your wife.