Last part of the chapter.
Wanted to go out but stayed home to finish proof-reading and vetting it. A load off my mind, I guess.
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J(anice): Thank you for the friendship, thank you for being there for me. Thank you for the memories...
My heart ached as she said those words. This is it. She has made up her mind.
gog: Promise me. You will take care of yourself, love the child as your Eric and yours, and always be happy. Promise me you will never hurt yourself and always put your family first.
J: I will, I like children, remember?
She managed a weak smile and laughter while trying to wipe her tears from the face. The pain is real. So real.
J: Take care of yourself. We'll always be friends and colleagues and ... and ... and... Christian brother and sister.
How can it be ever the same, we crossed the line already... saying these only makes it hurt more instead of soothing our aching hearts. I looked down and couldn't reply.
Janice got up and left. I didn't dare to go after her. It's futile, her mind's made up. Doing anything more will only hurt her further. I love her too much to hurt her. Abruptly and suddenly as we started through her emotional state of mind after a failed IVF, it ended just as abruptly with her body's hormonal changes due to pregnancy.
I should have used a condom that day at her place when she got home. This is the last time she stepped into my house.
Our meet ups alone reduced severely as we were now uncomfortable, we no longer go for lunch together alone anymore too. A drastic change in my life and hers. Me coming home, alone in the car, quiet house. My bed unmessed by her constant pulling of the blanket to cover herself and more...oh how much I missed her, how much I missed the time ... now, all is gone.
Her tummy started showing and the girls in office were excited. She could no longer 'hide' and all of them were doting over her and caring for her talking about family starting and congratulating her.
P(ortia): Should get gog to be the baby's godfather!!!
W(an) L(eng): Yeah lor you all so good friends!
The remarks didn't help but only place a heavier heart on me. We joked, we laughed, but the child IS mine... why godfather and not father?
Our bible study group also finally noticed the bump and her maternity wear was coming in. Cheers and prayers with well wishes arose. Applauses, presents, everything good just kept coming to Janice.
Eric also became more attentive, trying to pick Janice up daily, sending her to work. I can see he really loves her. I was the third party, turning myself away from this triangle relationship is right. Why hurt 3+1 people, when only I needed to be hurt?
Janice started distancing herself from me where possible, we were no longer 'close' close, but still talk casually when we bump into each other at pantry or in church.
She'd show her baby scans during BS and would gently, purposely show them to me while her eyes looked soft and looking at appreciation to me. It was her way of showing me our child is growing healthy and a means to comfort me and keep me updated on her pregnancy. I could only see the images and be glad in a way.
Like a taiwan soap opera show that drags 1000 - 2000 episodes. Indirectly, I watched Janice get bigger and more radiant with our child in her and also got updated by the process and growth of the child. Painful? Yeah, it was. Having a kid that will never call me daddy. Fling gone wrong? Yeah, and maybe no. Didn't really go wrong. It went well for Janice & Eric at least.
When Janice was due and gave birth, I wanted to run down and be the first to carry the baby. Eric dropped me a message excitedly:
E(ric): HER WATER BROKE!
gog: Congratulations bro! Faster! Bring her to the hospital!
I never got to accompany Janice to her gynecologists' check ups, and I will never be there for the birth as well. I purposely went on the 2nd day after the child was born with office colleagues during lunch instead of the first day. I was excited, but I'm 'nobody'.
I wanted to hold the baby asap but I had to fake unwillingness to hold my own baby and waited for people to carry her before passing the baby to me. Janice just looked at me when I carried her. I had to hold my tears of joy.
Wasn't fun at all hearing people mention how close the dad (Eric) and baby looked alike. I was looking at Janice whose eyes were sparkling with joy and pain. Watching her happy made me happy. We've broken up for 6 months now. It was a long time, but Janice is all good now. She smiled when I carried little gog.
gog: Hey, Eric, what's her name?
E: It's
XXXX, because she brings us joy, our child!
It was then finally I came to realization that it was really over 6 months ago. I'm holding on for naught and telling myself I'm alright but actually I was not. Sexually satisfied but emotionally not. Held my girl abit longer and returned her to Janice.
Finally, walked out of the Thomson Medical Center room without further burdens. Should have let go long ago. The best thing I can do now is to be a good friend and take care of my little girl in different ways. Did I drop tears? Yes, I am sure I cried that day at the hospital - alone. Pretty sure I did that in the toilet.
Christmas presents, birthday presents etc. I made it a point never to go out with my girl with or without Janice around. I would refer to her as Janice's child, never talking to Janice and using the term 'our' child and in any way that could jeopardize her family.
She's a cute little toddler, I gaurantee if you meet her, she will really make snappy come backs at times like Janice. 100% from Janice's factory. Hope she won't be as glibbed tongue as me. I pray often for her not to be sad and/or put in the same position as me and Janice.
Everybody likes to fuck, be it FL, ML, FBs or even married ladies, but when it comes to your own, I'm sure you worry about them. Same for me.
She's in nursery school now. I never saw her first crawl, and never saw her first day at school. All the 'firsts', were never mine.
THE END
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Will post the
Epilogue soon.