Wife or Helper?
 

Hello all fellow sis (and bro), I got nowhere to rant so I thought here might be the next best place to let out all my frustrations.

My husband and I have dated for 4 years before we got married and now we have 2 kids. Everyone says once you get married, the nightmare starts. 婚姻就是爱情的坟墓。And it's true.

He doesn't do his share of everything - be it housework or taking care of kids. Like most husbands I've seen wives complained about on Facebook post, he is glued to his phone all the damn time or when he isn't using the phone he is sleeping. When I ask him to do something, he complains this and that and says he is tired from working. But I am also working, also tired from dealing with bullshit. To me, he doesn't understand what married life is about. I feel so exhausted that breaking down is the norm nowadays.

Right now as I'm typing, he chose to be angry at me because I refused to help him take his phone to him, and shifted himself to the other room to sleep. Childish, I know right? I don't understand why he just refuse to understand the reason behind my breakdowns.

I don't even wanna get to the sex part because it feels like it is non-existent. I am lucky enough if we can get some action once a month. He doesn't ever do foreplay and the sex only lasts approximately 5 mins (?) before the deed is done.

I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I'm not going to take sides, have you spoken to him about all the issues without raising your voice? with the introduction of smart phones, a lot of relationship has been hit hard. maybe you can talk to him about 'no phone' sundays.

women got it easy, gets wet when aroused, just need to open up and receive. Men has it a bit tougher, needs to get it up too, if not can't perform. do you help him get it up? or are you a dead fish and expect him to get it up and service you?

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

How about getting a Maid? Many couples have found their lives get better when the drudgery of domestic chores is no longer a burden.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I did brought up the issue multiple times but he refuses to acknowledge the problem at hand. Most of the time I am the one who initiates the sex but he is either tired or can't get up. No, he doesn't have any mistress I am positive about this. No health issues either - we checked with doc.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Our current financial situation does not allow us to get a helper. I have considered hiring one but the cost outweighs everything - which is why I feel i am stuck in this situation.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

if no health problem, definitely can get it up when he see a sexy lady in front of him, which brings us to the next question..... are you sexy enough to make him horny?

talk to him about the 'no phone' sundays. it really work wonders for a family. you can plan for early morning nature walks followed by sunday morning lazy breakfasts/brunch and then go back home for afternoon fuckathon and end the day with a nice dinner.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Sorry TS, don't mind to hijack your thread.

As can totally relate to your frustrations.. As i'm in the midst of the exact same situation..married 6years & 1 kid. Just roles switched for me, i'm the helper and it's my wifey whom gotten addicted to the mobile world of gaming..spending $ and >12hrs per day.. chatting and clearing whatever daily clans quests etc with her in-game friends.

We are both working and weekend parents, more than often she reaches home earlier than i do after work. I'd usually get her dinner settled, but even during meals together her eyes is still on the phone gaming away..every time we reaches home after, she'll find herself comfortably in same old spot of the sofa, just right next to the charging point till 1am+..gotta admit i grew kinda sick of the sight, and chose to slept earlier.

We had talked a few times on it, but kinda give up at this point of time. Being adults i hope she understands how to keep the balance or at least game lesser when our kid is around during the weekends..before he follows her footsteps..so i'd try to suggest outdoor activities instead of staying home, in return she did make the little effort to change for him.

On usual days, other than gd morning and gd night greetings to one another, there is'nt really any much interesting convos or love-making sessions going on for the past 6 months+.

At times i'd successfully interuptted her with her phone, but felt she aint that interested as before, or once when the deed is done, back to the same old phone hogging self.

Hate to see the worse coming honestly but the neglections seems to stacks each day..

Difficult for a man to rant with his buddies on such hair pulling matters, thus been out catching up with old mates and drinking more than usual for a quick getaway from negative thoughts.

She seems to get the hints sometimes, but not for long.

Her addictions seems so real. Thus i'd decided to spend more time and effort on myself instead by picking up gym membership and new hobby for 2 months running.


Either way i'm still open to possible remedy, if any.


PS: may delete post if TS deem unfit.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I think you have to voice out and try to work out a plan, it is better to work things out asap rather than to a stage of no return.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Of course I dont mind! :)

So sorry that you're in same kind of situation as me.. sucks big time knowing someone takes you for granted and thinks spending time with you is less important than gaming.

Can I say you love her more than she loves you? Seems like you takes care of her really well up till the point where she is very reliant on you for everything. Since you can manage everything, naturally this type of people (I.e. your wife and my husband) will just let you.

And her addiction is real. Please let her know that it has affected your marriage and ask for advice from her. Make her 'participate' in making decisions. Make her feel she is important?

Young couple I assume?

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I know how hard it is for you all, when there is no way to get the message across. Communication is a real issue for many couples.

In my case these festered for so long to the point where I didn’t want to put up with it anymore.

What I can say is that if you all want to salvage your marriages, these issues simply must be frankly discussed, and I also know that a lot of things are in fact easier said through a trained non-aligned third party.

The truth is very little of what you say now has any impact on the other party, a third party could help hammer home some points (eg bring it to their attention that these issues are marriage threatening, something that is not getting through to them) or bring up things you all may not have spoken about.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Fully agreed, well said bro.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated"

People change along the way, and for that we're incapable to control.

Chances and forgiveness is meant to give, only to those whom deserves.

Marriage isn't an end to a happy relationship, but a new beginning for Us instead of You or Me. Clapping with one hand for too long, drives the audience away unless you can snap it like Thanos did.. xD

Haha either way..bros & siss,
Always love yourself more.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

let me dissect imho:
1) he liked to nua in nature
2) his mentality is more MVP
3) both of your priorities in life after kiddos is different
(for u is your kiddos > correct, for him, life still goes on cos no life n death matter > neutral)
4) for sex life, u can sacrifice w/o it (well, if he dont want to service u, there will be men waiting to service u, so not utmost importance)

Solution: either u accept it or u changed him slowly..but for me, kiddos development & happiness is top priority!

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Could it be the other partner comes from a family with maid/helper?

It boils down to their up bringing. If the his/her family has maid/helper, then their tendency is to let other do the work.

My brother-in-law, since childhood, mother bring his plain water whenever he asked for it. When he married, his wife do the same. Until today have not seen him lifting his hands to get water or wash the cups.

Perhaps TS'husband is like the above.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I think you guys could do with marriage counselling, and hiring of a helper so there's time to rebuild the rship. Also i hope that physically both of you are in some ways attractive enough for the other party.

To the other guy, its a good idea that you focus on yourself and if her's is a phone addiction then try to get her to cut down by say 10mins a day. Maybe think back to what hobbies you shared while dating

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Think you need to talk to him before it's too late. List down all his unacceptable behaviours. When both of you are in a good mood, show him the compiled list. It's not good to shout at each other. Anger doesn't solve anything. If he is undisciplined, allocate some private time for just the 2 of you. Perhaps after the kids are asleep, once a week, he must put his phone away and give you his full attention. You can also do your part by giving him amazing sex. Men are easily satisfied. Then they will do anything for you.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

You'll need a serious talk with your husband. At this point in your lives, your goals are not aligned. He needs to understand that a marriage is a partnership, and everyone's got to pull their weight. Unless you're a stay-home wife and he takes care of all household (and your) expenses, he is not justified in sitting around slacking off.

Does he have any good friends or family members that he listens to? Try holding an intervention. Men are usually goal oriented. Make him a list of things he can reasonably improve on.

What are his excuses for not doing chores? Tired? Well it takes at most 30 mins to do the dishes. 10 minutes to hang the laundry. Maybe 30 more mins to iron his own clothes. That's around a hour of commitment a day. And unless you guys stay in a huge landed property, you'll need maybe 30 mins to vacuum the floor, 30 mins to mop the floor. That's an hour a week (unless you're the OCD type that requires cleaning every single day).

Also, children should be the priority no matter what. If he wanted to game all the time, he should never have had kids. Ask him how would he feel, when his kids grow up and choose to play video games instead of spending time with him when he is old.

When you break things down like that into bit-sizes, its easier for him to understand what is required of him. If he still refuses to accept your reasoning, you'll have to let him know that your marriage is on borrowed time. In that case, you need to ask yourself if you are unhappy enough to break up your marriage and home. There is no wrong or right answer - it is your decision to make.

Moving on, what does he like about you so much so that he chose to marry you in the first place? You say that your sex life is dead, but surely it must have been alive in the first place for you guys to get married and have kids. So here's the incentive - tell him that if he pulls his weight on chores and stuff, you will have more time to work on yourself, work out, dress up, roleplay - whatever gets his jollies off. If he is not amendable to that, I'm sorry but I think he is probably getting his kicks elsewhere.

At the end of the day, it takes two hands to clap. If you have exhausted all avenues and tried everything, and he nonetheless refuses to play ball, you need to have a good hard think about what you want out of life.

Good luck.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Luckily for me, no smartphone during my era and my wife made it a point to kick my ass to shut the laptop and play with kids, go for beach holidays, library every week etc.

I would like to give advice but my kids grown up is now hooked to smartphone. Very addictive, even for me. So I will soon put this down to cho cho wife in shower. Nothing will happen but at least I chio her.

Only thing to say is after marriage everything changes esp daily schedule and finances. Both sides must talk, negotiate, compromise and find a solution.

Take care sis n bros !

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Nowadays, it is the men and the women duty to do house chore, or come up with the money to have a part time maid to do it.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Yup, you are right. His mom did everything for him and now his mentality is I have to do it for him, just like his mother. But I've already made it clear to him that I refused to do everything while he laze at the sofa surfing Facebook.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Thank you bro for your advice. I have already tried whatever you have suggested before but it didn't make any difference. :(

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

While the situation at home is kinda bleak during the period my first post went up, I met someone from here. We managed to hit it off and for the first time in a long while I was able to talk to someone about things that happened in my life. And we got kinda close but at the back of my mind, i can't shake off the guilt of hiding this from my husband.

And so I managed to break off whatever we had before we get to a situation too late to salvage. I decided to go back and stay faithful to my hub and chose not to hurt my kids. But I just wanna let J know (if you're reading this) that I miss you and hope you are doing well. :)

Thank you bros for your advice! I will not be replying to this thread anymore. Wish you guys all the best in your marriage.

Hi have 2 kids myself too. I roughly got to know my wife 4 years before getting married too. Concidentally. For me, its more of the opposite my wife is the lazy one and most of the time i work from home in a startup my boss trusts us with the work and gave us that flexibility so i am alright. What didnt work for me was that I was frustrated having to juggle between work and taking care of the kids.

Let me repeat taking care of kids is. FULL TIME JOB itself. Especially when you have two or more kids. You do everything alone is managable (without work) but if you do it while you are employed (especially if your company always monitor and demand work updates while managing children), only god knows how long you can maintain your sanity.

Marriage is all fun, honeymoon and shooting stars initially when there were no responsibilities. You have to communicate well among each other of else you will sink alone. Most of my wife colleagues end up sending their children to childcare if they dont plan to get a maid themselves. But you need to communicate. Be firm with your husband.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I will only say one thing. Go for the family counselling and do it for 1 year plus (do not stop after 2-3 sessions). If this problem is not solved now it will create much heartburn over the years.

Prolonged unfulfilled needs in a marriage is the most efficient way to destroy it. Either there will be divorce or one party cannot tahaan the stress it causes and die early.

While the helper solution is a practical one it may also not be practical in terms on cost etc. Much more important is the realisation that both parties have needs and these must be met.

Oso, dont raise Mamma's boys. Why create problem for next generation.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Just saying, never been married before. Old habits die hard. People don't change (you can try). It's obvious she's disinterested. But wasting tons of money on mobile games? Like what? micro transactions? How old is she? 10 years old?

No matter how much marriage counselling will not change her behaviour. If you want to save the marriage, continue arranging outdoor activities or least something she's interested in. Else, time for plan B.

Apparently I have the same issue with you guys.

Problem started after the 2nd child is born. Seems lazy and doesn't care about the family. Accompany children but glued to phone soc media and game. Kinda reflects that her job on our family is done

Only the sex part I had spoken to her on my request. But I'm still doing most of the household chores.

Right now I am trying to arrange marriage counselling with pastors without her knowledge

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Am facing similar issues. My wife is glued to her phone watching YouTube on the bed—china variety shows, get rich quick videos, etc. To the point she’s lazier and lazier. I wash the dishes and does the laundry. We also jointly hire part-time help with other routine chores.

These few days ask her to go relatives house to do CNY visitation and she doesn’t want to go. So I LL go with my kids and made excuses to my relatives on why she wasn’t with us.

Little bit only and she gets passive aggressive with me for wasting her time.

Have tried to coax her to seek help together but she keeps insisting I’m the one who needs fixing, not her, so don’t waste her time .

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

I hv a colleague that recently divorced because of this situation she had with her husb.. go their church couple counselling.. speak w husband privately.. Say allow him watch porn and do his own handjob..

Aiya mainly she was the one non stop watch tiktok on bed and being served like queen..dont want sex anymore.

Husband do everything + bring kids go tuition etc she only work, go back vid call friends/mother play with kids abit then facemask tiktok on bed and sleep alr.

End up he also just give up divorce and let her figure out how to take care of the kids but he give money every month.

Got breaking point de.. Once reach limit if you buay tahan despite all the solution to fix.. Then zao alr.
Life is short. Don't let the relationship run your life.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

Personally I do understand how you feel.

As marriage need mutual communication, understanding and trust to work out.

in actual fact, Me as a hubby also have this sort of communication issue with my wife till date and we decided to stay as friend and enjoy our lifestyle to avoid complications.

Daily arguments or stern tone on talking is REALLY sick for me.

Re: Wife or Helper?
 

One way is to get smart devices. Like smart washer, smart dryer and dishwasher. But you still need someone to do some stuff. Another way is to hire maid else almost impossible unless one really do the work. Personally I don’t really like helper as it kind of intrude my privacy