A lonely guy's loveless marriage woes

[sidewinder2007]

I have been lurking in this forum for years and is just amazed at how some bros here are so lucky and carefree (or seem to be). In any case, i ask myself why am i also surfing in this forum. I suppose in some instances i am envious of bros here after reading thru the many posting.
I am stuck in a loveless marriage and have not touched my wife for more than a year or 2. honestly, if not for my kids, I would have asked for a divorce long time ago. I yearn for the day i am free to seek someone who loves me and cares for me. Yes, I am lonely. very very lonely. :(
I live day by day for the sake of my kids as i am a devoted dad. Though my wife and I no longer talk eventhough we still stay in the same house, my kids happiness takes precendence over anything else including my own happiness. they are still young at this time and may not notice much but i worry when the day comes when my kids ask why their mum and I dont talk much. sigh! :(
If bros here are wondering what i have done to deserve this, i can tell u that i am asking the same question myself. I have a nice sizable and stable monthly income and have no money problem. I come home early from work and rarely stay out late. I dislike going to clubs (once in a while is ok :)), i dont smoke or gamble and neither do i have any mistress on the side (though i wish i do, hahaha). However, on the other side, my wife stays out late (almost every week day), loves to go clubbing and despite my many instances in the past asking her to stop staying out late, all have fallen on deaf ears. i finally gave up 1 year ago and have stopped talking to her or minimise our conversations as we always end up fighting.
I suppose its only a matter of time before we go our own ways.until that time, i will need to focus on my job and my kids. I hope to hear from other bros here who may be having similar problems. Hope to hear your thoughts and the ways which u cope in such situation (besides cheonging :)). At times, i think i am going insane from the loneliness.
Sorry. I know this is not a sex related topic and may not be very appropriate for this forum.

[JediSkull]

hmmmmmm......... come out n network wif the bros here! perhaps got lobangs can exchange?;) I'm a mature student cum businessman. So my network of frens are very diverse.

I'm near thrity but I mix wif ppl of all ages! a few days back I juz played DOTA(a game popular wif teenagers) wif my clan members. Our opposition was damn xialan but when the opposition lost, my teammates had to rub salt into their wounds by saying the opposition sucks coz they lost to an old guy like me?!?! :p:mad: dunno should I be laffing or angry!?!?!

anyway after reading ur story, I suspect u'r bound for a divorce sooner or later. does ur wife smoke? how did u guys even get married in the 1st place?! seems tat u guys have different interests to start wif?!

[Fat Fatt]

I am stuck in a loveless marriage and have not touched my wife for more than a year or 2. honestly, if not for my kids, I would have asked for a divorce long time ago. I yearn for the day i am free to seek someone who loves me and cares for me. Yes, I am lonely. very very lonely. :(

I live day by day for the sake of my kids as i am a devoted dad. Though my wife and I no longer talk eventhough we still stay in the same house, my kids happiness takes precendence over anything else including my own happiness. they are still young at this time and may not notice much but i worry when the day comes when my kids ask why their mum and I dont talk much. sigh! :(

However, on the other side, my wife stays out late (almost every week day), loves to go clubbing and despite my many instances in the past asking her to stop staying out late, all have fallen on deaf ears. i finally gave up 1 year ago and have stopped talking to her or minimise our conversations as we always end up fighting.

I suppose its only a matter of time before we go our own ways.until that time, i will need to focus on my job and my kids. I hope to hear from other bros here who may be having similar problems. Hope to hear your thoughts and the ways which u cope in such situation (besides cheonging :)). At times, i think i am going insane from the loneliness.
Sorry. I know this is not a sex related topic and may not be very appropriate for this forum.

Hi bro, if i am not wrong if you go on separate ways, womens charter will always protect the woman on divorce and award her kids and alimony. then you will be broken pocket and broken heart because no money no kids.

So its time to repair your marriage. stop arguing because winning an argument does not mean you win.

do start conversations with her. may start from the kids, then to the family and then to how you treasure her and the marriage and say "I love U". saying it is always free. but if marriage breaks down, it cost money and emotions. so in the first phase, try saying it even though you have cool down in the love for her. think of the downside... then slowly it might rekindle.

also she clubs alot, maybe she might be looking for other companionship which you as a husband has not been giving to her. It is better you try to woo her back again, and make peace with this marriage, before she commits adultery on you. after all, females who are active like her requires SEX too. (Note even if she is the one committing adultery, a divorce will still award her kids and your money to maintain her and the kids. yes, its so unfair)

you can accompany her to clubs, but slowly you can upgrade to wine bars and other not so noisy estabs where you can romance a bit. Involve close frens of yours and hers that are serious kind in these kind of outings, i.e. married and stable, and do not involve those that parties like crazy kind.

try to pay for a cruise with the kids, and bring along a nanny to take care of them in the night where you can renew your honeymoon romance...or go for tour you and her alone. But make sure you discuss it with her, involve her in the planning and dont fight over nitty gritty. Say you want to spend some good time with her. (treat her since you say you have money from stable job)

Then learn some tricks from the bros in this forum. Make sure you learn how to perform cunnlingtus (dont know spelling) but it means give oral sex to your wife, ensure long foreplay with hands and fingers and she must achieve orgasms (multiple before you do) and she will enjoy her sex with you. when you regain the chemistry then you can ask for what you want to pleasure yourself, like catbaths, BBBJ etc from her.

There must be a good reason for you to marry and try to remind yourself that. if you did not have, then kick yourself for getting into such commitment and a mess.

[blue_swatch]

Im sure there are other people like u in the forum. Perhaps when u r free, some of us can meet up for a chat/coffee?

It is no good to stay at home everyday based on your situation. Someday u will just go crazy :D Drop me a line if u need someone to talk and no im not gay :eek:

[hotsoup16]

Bro,
i share yr sentiments cos yr story is somehow similiar to what I'm going thru, to savage a marriage becos of our kids.

Thing abt it in the long run, who's the ones suffering? Life is short so maximum it. Dun wait til the day when u're old and regret this or that. Decision is yours and u're the best person to decide what's the best for yr life

cheers

[tepes]

HI Bro,

You are definitely not alone here... Though not exactly similar, my situation is not that different and 6 mths back finally had enough and decided to go commercial...

Cheers and hope that you will feel better.

[hotsoup16]

HI Bro,

You are definitely not alone here... Though not exactly similar, my situation is not that different and 6 mths back finally had enough and decided to go commercial...

Cheers and hope that you will feel better.

quoted from Jack Neo, the commedian: "The reason why man fool around outside becos they are trying to maintain their marriages" :D I seconded him for this statement:D

[MiniHawk]

Try sharing the same interests she have as even you may not like clubbing, juz do it once a while. If really cannot work, go for a marriage consultant. Talk to your buddies on your problem, no need to be shy on that as everyone have their up and down.:)

[STK01]

quoted from Jack Neo, the commedian: "The reason why man fool around outside becos they are trying to maintain their marriages" :D I seconded him for this statement:D

Bro, this statement is true only to a certain extent. Provided the man knows his limits and only fools outside to fuck, and forget.

Reading about TS's situation, well, perhaps a marriage counsellor can help. Imagine now your kids still young, married not for long already facing these problems, how long can you hang on there? Better seek help and advise earlier before your marriage ends up in a divorce bro.

[KingEros]

I am stuck in a loveless marriage and have not touched my wife for more than a year or 2. honestly, if not for my kids, I would have asked for a divorce long time ago. I yearn for the day i am free to seek someone who loves me and cares for me. Yes, I am lonely ... very very lonely. :(
Ever wonder if your wife is actually lonelier than you ... my read is that you have not fulfilled her needs. Start with paying more attention to her ... but then again, 2 years of a crack may be way too late to patch up - if she's already found the attention she was seeking out there, in the very first place.

I have a nice sizable and stable monthly income and have no money problem. I come home early from work and rarely stay out late. I dislike going to clubs (once in a while is ok :)), i dont smoke or gamble and neither do i have any mistress on the side (though i wish i do, hahaha).
So ... big fuck!! You chose to marry a wife who happens to like doing everything else which you dun do.
Try peddling frangrant rice in potato-eating Ireland ... no matter how you do it, you'd not earn your first million there. Think about it.

IMHO, if you really love your children ... you should be doing everything you can to make things work, well before they realise there's a big crack between daddy & mummy. By doing everything you can, I refer to giving your wife what she really wants ... instead of stopping her from cheonging, try understanding why she still cheong like there's no night & day. If she doesn't oppose, offer to cheong with her too ... & when you are doing that, dun end up showing her a black face - you really should not have a black face, since cheonging with her means you wun be lonely, so lonely ever again. Right??

[SDMM]

Brother

Sorry to tell you the hard truth. Your wife loves to club and stays out late at night. With you ignoring her, she is probably already having many affairs outside. Question is do you want to close a blind eye and pretend nothing has happened?

All guys go clubbing with a single intention. Get ONS. If you wife is a hot babe. Your marriage is as good as gone.

Advise to all brothers out there. Hot babes that love clubbing are for lovers. Want a good wife, pick one that stays at home and see you as the center of her universe

[glgshiok]

Maybe Bros here would like to indicate their age band i.e 40~45 or 30~35 when they pour out their woes here. I think a sexless marriage for 30+ male and that for a 40+ male may be quite different.

[yang punk]

Since you are not fucking your wife ... bet she is already being fucked by others. Go consult a divorce lawyer...you may not have to lose your kids to her (she may not even be interested to keep them as it would cramp her life-style). If PI can dig up evidence of her loose lifestyle...the judge may not think her as a suitable parent compared to you.

You are young enough to be lucky the second time round...only this time choose your partner more carefully!

You have only one life...a loveless marriage is a waste of your life...trust me I know...I have been in it long enough.

[solidwoody]

Brfore you do anyting stupid, my advice is for you to really take a good look at yourself before putting your unhappiness solely on the shoulders of your wife. It always take 2 hands to clap.
As for SDMM please do not be so fast to make a judgement that women who cheong or party are just out for flings like men. Have you ever thot why the wife of the threadstarter is partying so much? None of us here know the true answer so I think we should reserve judgement and give advice to him on how to save his marriage. I dun think most people here want to see our threadstarter children here end up in a broken home.

[otamay]

After reading your story, I empathize with you and the predicament you are in.
If you are still want to salvage your marriage, maybe you should see a marriage counseller. Lack of proper communication for a period of time will make both parties drift further apart. Looks like both of you have different interests and also different outlook in life. In short, sorry to say....not compatiable. Frankly speaking,
if no immediate damage control is taken, the outcome will be heading towards a big rock. So if you still value this relationship, work something out. Be more proactive or else prepare for the worst. Hope you can work out something quick.Pardon me, I am no expert just my approach in your case.

[MiniHawk]

We bros here have given all the advices and solutions on your problem. The next step still depends a lot on yourself. Good Luck!:)

[sidewinder2007]

many thanks to all the bros who have replied. Yes. I should shoulder part of the blame and I have never fully blamed her. God knows i have tried many times to salvage the love and marriage before. She never liked clubbing before until a friend of hers went thru her divorce and started to spend more time with her. I pleaded with her to come home and spend more time with the kids and to stop frequenting the clubs or the very least lower the frequency. Things have changed since we got married and had kids. Her career is going well and i think she started to enjoy things which she never did in the past. I know she loves the kids in her own ways and at her own convenience. I say this because she will prioritise her own lifestyle activities above the family or the kids whereas i am the other way around.
i am always open and affectionate before and the "i love u" words will flow frequently when i was with her eventhough she does not reciprocate.
She has changed a lot since our marriage. I have even approached my relatives for help and they also acknowledged that she is stubborn person. I really dunno why she changed so much. Though she says i am the cause but i think deep down inside she just needed someone to blame for her behaviour. It is always someone elses fault but never hers. in all my years with her, she has never ever admitted anything is her fault or said a word of sorry to me.
Yes i have no one to blame but myself for marrying her. :(
In case, bros here are wondering, i am in my late 30s and would consider myself a presentable guy and not some fat ugly slob so looks isnt the reason why my wife is behaving this way. hahahah! i think. :P

[Ray06]

We bros here have given all the advices and solutions on your problem. The next step still depends a lot on yourself. Good Luck!:)

That is very true, end of the day still for you to face the consequences...:cool:

[JediSkull]

many thanks to all the bros who have replied. Yes. I should shoulder part of the blame and I have never fully blamed her. God knows i have tried many times to salvage the love and marriage before. She never liked clubbing before until a friend of hers went thru her divorce and started to spend more time with her. I pleaded with her to come home and spend more time with the kids and to stop frequenting the clubs or the very least lower the frequency. Things have changed since we got married and had kids. Her career is going well and i think she started to enjoy things which she never did in the past. I know she loves the kids in her own ways and at her own convenience. I say this because she will prioritise her own lifestyle activities above the family or the kids whereas i am the other way around.
i am always open and affectionate before and the "i love u" words will flow frequently when i was with her eventhough she does not reciprocate.
She has changed a lot since our marriage. I have even approached my relatives for help and they also acknowledged that she is stubborn person. I really dunno why she changed so much. Though she says i am the cause but i think deep down inside she just needed someone to blame for her behaviour. It is always someone elses fault but never hers. in all my years with her, she has never ever admitted anything is her fault or said a word of sorry to me.
Yes i have no one to blame but myself for marrying her. :(
In case, bros here are wondering, i am in my late 30s and would consider myself a presentable guy and not some fat ugly slob so looks isnt the reason why my wife is behaving this way. hahahah! i think. :P

Maybe its time u start clubbing wif her?!?! :mad: since u'r not bad looking as u had claimed! try picking up gals in front of her lor!~!~ :p

no lar.... juz kidding. but seriously u should do some things wif her together. After so many yrs of marriage(kids also have liao), dun tell me u dun try to romance her once awhile? gals/women would love tat i bliff. if not life is dull. I have a playboy fren who has a very loyal gf. I'm pretty sure my fren's gf knows abt her bf's adventures. So i asked her y she chose him. The reply was: "coz he never fails to romance, amaze and excite me." ;)

[aczeta76]

hmmm... saying I love u does not help.

Why dun u go clubbing with her? Ladies in their 30s have stronger urges and perhaps she is interpreting your lack of sex as you finding her unattractive after child birth.

good luck and hope I did not run into your wife at the clubs else paisey loh

[jng1103]

Love/marriage is a two ways traffic. If one hand doesnt clap, just move on with ur life. Leaving ur kids behind (with ur wife) may NOT seem a lousy choice, neither dampens ur chances for being a good father.

Talking from personal experience, one of my closest buddies got divorced and parenting their 3 kids. to cut the story short, he has found his new love life and live ever happily with the kids and newly wed wife.

Just to tell u that ur life is above everything that may seems important, but end of the day, it's ur own life, for god sake. pls take good care of ur life n happiness...

"In an empty house, all the windows are closed. You hv no view of outside the house till u open one of the windows."

Merry xMas to all SBF bro n sis... :)

[MiniHawk]

Can't agreed more with bro jng1103. Whatever it is, you still need to look ahead. Do what you have to do and get on with life.:)

[lonelybro]

since she says she blames you, then try to find out what exactly is she blaming you for. Try to make up for it and who knows.

[Freman]

hi bro,

I think some brothers have already pointed the truth to you.

Here's the hard truth... you wife is probably having affair outside. You think she go there to dance ? or drink ? oh please lah, you must be f*cking mad to think this way. She's there cos there are guys there who wants to ONS her.

as for other bros suggestion of going clubbing with her.

1) if you're not that type of guy, you'll feel damn awkward there and stand out like a sore thumb.

2) your wife will probably find excuses for asking you don't go.... reason ?? cos she can't get ONS if you're there...... WAKE UP...

your last ditch effort, and see marriage couseller, and hoped your wife 'self realised' that she needs to come back to the family. Frankly, if she does it, it's not cos of you, it's cos of the kids, and you'll still end up with a loveless marriage.

but even in this case, I can tell you, she probably already have dozens of ONS during the past year... so you have to live with that fact even if she never admits.

sorrie bro, I personally f*ck these married women frequently. I think other brothers here will admit to you, married womens are the easiest to conn. Sorrie, I hoped your wife wasn't one of them.

I personally know a married woman with 2 kids, who openly tell her husband she wants to f*cks around cos it's so enjoyable. She wants a divorce, the husband is screaming *you're immoral, I refuse to sign the paper, think of your kids*, all these are a waste of time.

what's the point, be a MAN, you can live with this kind of woman ? you'll never be able to lift your head high.

if you decide to call it quits, you should approach a lawyer, ask for advice, try and see how you can prove your case to the judge that she is a lousy and flinging mother (can install software on her handphone, I got contact) and then get evidence against her. You may not be able to escape alimony (you might), but you can fight for your kids and retain them. Find a better woman and bring them up properly. I'm not sure, but if you can get evidence that she is having affair, and her lifestyle, you stand high chance of getting your kids over.

if you LOVE your kids, this is what you should do, instead of continuing.

sorry, this posting sounds abit harsh...

[old_yet_horny]

hi bro,.......sorry, this posting sounds abit harsh...

Bro Freman,


Straight, simple and clear.
Words of truth and wisdom.
Kuddos to you.

[colins]

Bro Freman makes a lot of sense, words a bit harsh but the reality behind it IS harsh.

There seems no way you can control her, but you are still able to control the family. Sometimes you'll see young person nowadays being short sighted and like to see immediate pleasure. You are a family man, but supposingly you see a married women with a character similar to your wife, deep inside you, you'll know that she's not going to keep up with this lifestyle for many years. When she is old and needs her loving husband and kids to take care of her, nobody will be there because she had taking them all for granted. Can you take the shit before that happens? Will you allow the children to take it before that happens? What is best for your kids now? And lastly, will you still accept her when she realised what she's done?

Personally I have an abusive father. My mum suffered a lot becos of him and I saw it everyday with my eyes. It made me believe that family values are unimportant in life and that is replaced with self centredness. My mum divorced him when I was 26 and now she is clearly much happier, though at times still suffers from nightmares. How I wish I could have told her to leave my dad much earlier. Of cos I do love my dad even now and I am still his son till he die. But the years of suffering is irreplaceable. One day when she pass away, my greatest regret will be that I had deprived her the time in which she could have enjoy her happiness that she seeks.

Do think for your children, and their future. Keeping a marriage just to wait until they grow up is old thinking, or in today's context, unrealistic. They will grow up and understand why you do what you must do. What you can hope and help them is, not to follow the footstep of their mum and see you as an example. Kids have amazing adaptability for changes in their life, but you must also relate your thinkings to them as though they are adults and dun lie to them. They are clever enough to see and interpret things as it happen now. Baseline is to take care their sense of security that everything is going to be all right. You may rationalise that what you are doing now is sacrificing your happiness for your children. But are your children happy now?

Hope that helps.

[youcalll]

hi bro, really sad to hear your story but the reality is such that society have

comes to a certain stage that values and morality are a things from the past.

Guess that in your case your wife is not really mature (mentally), whats the

age gap between you and your wife??? All woman needs attention from their

loved ones constantly, have you been giving enuff?? perhaps you have done

so in a way you deemed appropriate but not acceptable to your wife. Try to

repair the broken communication now before its too late and not been

intimate wif your wife for such a long period of times wouldn't help things

either, woman too have their needs and their need to feel intimate wif their

partner is very strong this not necessary means sex but the feeling of being

loved. though i no love doctor, but i have seen enuff cases if the mutual

feeling of being loved is present, the relationship will stronger than anything

else. if you dun play your role, someone else will step in.

lastly bro, DON'T GIVE UP, if you give up then its game over. As long as

you persist you still have a chance to repair the relationship.

No doubt it is going to be super tough but try going back to

the basics and remember what attracted you to be wif her marry her and

rekindle that type of feelings between you and her. Work hard now and enjoy

the fruits of your labor the nxt 30 or 40 years down the road.


There is no perfect wife/husband in the world. the successfully ones are when both parties put in lots of effort to adapt to and accommodate each other. My 2cents gd luck:)

[alvis]

hi bro...u are not lonely...cos my situation is more bad then u...three yrs ago...i'm married n even have a son that is 2 yrs old now....i have found out my wife having an affair :mad: i even met up wif the farker stupid guy...beat that guy up...and eventually split up with me wife and told her i wan to divorce...now we are not living together...my son is with her.but till now..i still have not go file for divorce..although i told her i will go file for divorce. cos i still in dunno what should i do...divorce or nt divorce..as i worry that my son will not have a good childhood....haiz....a piece of advice..think it over carefully before u make any decision..be it divorce or try to save your married....

[josperm]

i am also trapped in similiar situation.

wife keep doing things to make my mum angry, make me choose between wife and mother.

now i am at lost. every night drink whisky

[joew2005]

i had a frd that had almost the same scenrio.
He is married with a daughter.
Few yrs back,the wife told him she 1s 2 go out 2 work in a pub.
being a loving hubby,he allowed.
initially,aft work she will be back home b4 4am.
aft some time,his wife & him become like taxi drivers changing shift.They only hv 1 car at home.
morning 8am,he drives 2 work.
in the evening b4 8pm,when he drove the car home,his wife drives it to work at the pub.
she only return home aft 6am.
we ever ask him did it ever bothers him why his wife only comes back aft 6am?? The pub closes at 3am.
he ever ask his wife why she only comes back aft 6am everyday,but her reply was she went 4 supper.
We think it's a bit fishy...................

[michaelrocksam]

Bro sidewinder,


Time to start considering a life anew, things are very obvious. No point self denying.

There are kids to consider, but worse still when they grow up in dyfunctional family when the mother goes out to cheong everyday? When they start to grow, they will know what is happening to their mom and you can't hide.

take stock of whats happening, start writing what you can do and what you cannot do and the course of action from these alternatives.

Dun play it in your head, you only get more stress.

Examples....

1. Gather evidence. Hire PI, get pictures. SMS and phone records. Dun hire some SBF bros to get her naked. :)

2. Check in her bags. Pills, condoms, credit cards bills, where she goes, hotels restaurants, hoildays etc...

2. Find on divorce laws and see how you can protect yourself. Consult a lawyer. Dun get a half bake one.

3. See a counsellor. Doubt she will see one. Or a respected leader/boss that she will hear from.

4. Check her laptop instant messaging logs.

These are things you can do.

From there, you weigh your options. But tell you things looks really really bad. Dun expect to find out the worse news, the worst has already happened. Do something, you are now in charge she is not.

[joew2005]

i agree with bro michaelrocksam,start action now.
Gather as much evidences as possible fr all available sources.

for a start,her hp is a veri gd source.
(pics/sms/mms/phone records)

then check her expenses history.
(bank statement/credit card transaction records)

check her clothings & belongings.
(pills/condoms/notes)

Hire a PI 2 track here daily activities.
(get pics of her whereabouts & who she is with).

No matter hw smart a person is,he/she is bound 2 make a small mistakes occasionally.Then she will give herself away.

[sidewinder2007]

sad to hear that there are other bros here with similar problems. sigh! :(
I am very inclined to hire a PI, does any bros here have any good referrals at reasonable rates. Dont ask me to go to those in Peninsula Plaza. I have my reasons for not doing so.

Maybe we should form a support group for married men with such issues. :)

thanks again to all bros who have given their advices.

[analog]

How old are your kids?

[clanzy]

Sad story bro which is similar to many around me . For the kids , bear with it for the time being .

Alternatively you can play the field too , do not just plough it for harvest , play it for fun .

PI is a good option for evidence gathering , get one now , in case she throw the paper at you and you do not have the time to react . Get the evidences, whether or not to expose them it is up to you . But better be safe than sorry . As the Chinese saying goes first villain then gentleman .

[sundial]

Welcome to Joy Luck Club

[mmhunter]

Bro,

I feel that as a fellow man, I have to reply your post.

You need to confront your wife. Ask her what she wants. Getting a PI is besides the point because 1. she may not have a regular partner 2. PIs do not come cheap 3. it does not change the fact that your marriage life is in the dumps.

If I were you, I would have settled this (maybe a divorce) quickly. It will be painful but I think getting over with and starting afresh is the best option for you. Late 30s is still a good age to start over.

Hope things turn out better for you in the new year.

P.S. I also think that your wife likely has someone/s outside. Maybe threesomes are her cup of too. Just a thought...

[Ray06]

[QUOTE=mmhunter;2510892]Bro,

I feel that as a fellow man, I have to reply your post.

Bro,
IMHO, divorce should be the last ....especially with young children.
If possible, try to patch up :cool:

[S T A R]

Whatever it is marriage counsellor is the first thing you should go to

[Rockweiler]

Agree with most bros, divorce is the last resort ... also please look at yourself, most times, people always think it is the other party's fault

[Wins88]

Bro, I hope that things turn out for the best for you. However, I think that leaving you and your 2 kids behind to go partying and clubbing is definitely NOT something a responsible parent would do. Perhaps it is time to make a trip to the PI's office and have a check if there is anything amiss before deciding on what to do next. I think if she checks out, then maybe it is time to go to a marriage counselor. If not, find a good lawyer. Cos I think that keeping the shambles of a marraige going is just one big lie which will in the end will affect your kids negatively in the long run (cos they will have a warped view of what a good marriage is supposed to be). Good luck.

[no_faith]

sry bro, for asking such harsh and direct qns.
did she ever once did not came home and slp?
how is she like b4 the marriage?

u may tink im kaypoh asking such qns but i feel it is quite crucial factors of ur marriage.

[sidewinder2007]

Time flies and it has been 2 years since my 1st posting. a bro dropped me a PM to wish me well and reminded me of this thread when i had totally forgotten about it.
Did bring back a lot of memories and thought maybe i should post an update on my situation. Well, divorce proceedings are finally underway and we are in the midst of negotiating the settlement terms. its been almost 1 year since i initiated the divorce. sigh! yes its taking much longer than i expected.
My kids have grown up abit and i am still very close to them and love them dearly. Their mother is still unreasonable and still comes back late frequently and do whatever she likes without a care for the children.
we have agreed on joint custody and i am willing to give her care and control to avoid a bitter custody battle. I know its tough for a father to win in most divorce cases.
Anyway, still wide awake at 2am as i just drafted a reply to my lawyer in response to my wife's propsoed settlement terms. We dont even talk to each other though we still stay in the same house albeit diff rooms.
Hopefully this will end soon and i can start my life anew.

Happy chinese new year to all the bros here in advance.

[d4eth]

all the best.... and stay strong bro! :)

[old_yet_horny]

Wishing you all the best and may the coming new year be kind to you and your kids...

Damned those bitches!!

[expresso1977]

All the best to you! Bro!

Happy New year. cheers!;)

[Cheonging101]

Bro TS, sounds like a great start already.

Also, if you can prove to the court with witnesses on your (soon-to-be-ex) wife's daily schedules, you can actually win full custody and deny her most of her settlement terms (which I think should be hefty) on the grounds of her ineptitude as a wife & mother.

With full custody, the battle is half-won.

[elephanto]

Chanced upon yr thread.

All the best, bro.

My case like yrs, except I hv no kids.

Divorced Dec 2008. ex-wife kenna pregnant by lover, remarried in 2009 july.

Life goes on.... move on.....

Take care.

[onlyou]

TS, it must be a hard decision after thinking thru and having to go thru this. one window is close but hopefully another door is opened.

maybe you might want to share your proceedings here so rest of us might be able to learn or be aware.

in a divorce, parents can choose to move on with new partners (or not) while the kids might not recover or understand why growing up.

i wish all the best for u and your kids in the new year. stay strong and the bros here are ur support and listening ears...

[pricky77]

Hi Sidewinder 2007,

I respect your devotion as a father towards your kids. Since you are aware of the problems between you and your wife, why not make the effort to talk. Every little conversation will change the suitations. My believe in marriage is that since we decide to start a family, Treasue it. There bound to have arguements and stuffs. Talk it out..Divorce isn't the end to everything. Think of the trauma that everyone including your kids have gotta go through.

Good luck..

[nosealedfate]

Time flies and it has been 2 years since my 1st posting. a bro dropped me a PM to wish me well and reminded me of this thread when i had totally forgotten about it.
Did bring back a lot of memories and thought maybe i should post an update on my situation. Well, divorce proceedings are finally underway and we are in the midst of negotiating the settlement terms. its been almost 1 year since i initiated the divorce. sigh! yes its taking much longer than i expected.
My kids have grown up abit and i am still very close to them and love them dearly. Their mother is still unreasonable and still comes back late frequently and do whatever she likes without a care for the children.
we have agreed on joint custody and i am willing to give her care and control to avoid a bitter custody battle. I know its tough for a father to win in most divorce cases.
Anyway, still wide awake at 2am as i just drafted a reply to my lawyer in response to my wife's propsoed settlement terms. We dont even talk to each other though we still stay in the same house albeit diff rooms.
Hopefully this will end soon and i can start my life anew.

Happy chinese new year to all the bros here in advance.

Well we all have to start somewhere and from your update that is a start.

Read thru the thread and with some of of the guys here offering you to meet up for a cup of kopi or what to hera you out...

Well I can't do much now except to extend the same offer to you should you feel like having a cup of kopi somewhere..... sigh.... life's like that at times.

Just roll with the punches... I hope these Sinatra's "that's life" lyrics will motivate you a bit...

That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here july
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My

[sidewinder2007]

Bro TS, sounds like a great start already.

Also, if you can prove to the court with witnesses on your (soon-to-be-ex) wife's daily schedules, you can actually win full custody and deny her most of her settlement terms (which I think should be hefty) on the grounds of her ineptitude as a wife & mother.

With full custody, the battle is half-won.

unfortunately its not as simple Bro. no witness except my maid as my parents wont qualify to be reliable and impartial witness though they used to stay with us back then. She can also claim to be working late.
My lawyer and based on my research tells me men will always be at the losing end as the court prefers to grant care and control to the mother. All i want is fair amount of access time including overnites and children maintenance money going to the care of kids and NONE for her. So far, she claims to not want alimony but then her asking for children maintenance is enough to feed her besides the kids. :(

Since my first posting back in 2007, my love for her has died and there is no turning back. I hate her for causing this family to break up. Why can't she recognise that she has a responsibility to the kids.
To be fair, she loves the kids but she just does not want to be responsible for taking care of them daily. as i write this, its pass 10pm and she is still not home. Whereas, I rushed back from a business function so that i can help my daughter in her spelling test for the next day.

Sigh. Its mentally tiring to have to deal with her nonsense and irrational settlement terms.

Thank you all bros for your kind words of encouragement and support. I wish you all well in the new year.

[cmelater]

I came across a case like that myself. Never married to the gal, but was "with her" for a year. She never let me touch her or anything. Always like two strangers.

I also end up feeling very disillusioned and went commercial. But, now farking regret. You cannot be too serious with women. Will end up getting hurt by them.

Somemore, you just cannot tell if she had been sleeping around. Cheers bro, I know its a terrible feeling. Some women dunno the meaning of karma.

[yang punk]

TS

Do you have parents who can help you look after your kids whilst you are at work? If you have and if your kids can express a strong desire to be with you rather than with their mother, then you have a strong case to fight for custody of your kids. If you can show evidence that your wife was unfaithful and has a busy nocturnal social live and is therefore not a good caregiver to your children then fight for your kids.

Since she is also gainfully employed with good income and the errant party she can also forget about getting alimony from you. Don't be a wimp since she obviously don't love you anymore I am sure she is only too glad to divorce you so don't give in too much ... drive a hard bargain. Make things difficult for her such that she'll only be too glad to move out of the house as soon as possible. Remember evidence of her infidelity will be very useful when you go before the judge.

[Cheonging101]

unfortunately its not as simple Bro. no witness except my maid as my parents wont qualify to be reliable and impartial witness though they used to stay with us back then. She can also claim to be working late.
My lawyer and based on my research tells me men will always be at the losing end as the court prefers to grant care and control to the mother. All i want is fair amount of access time including overnites and children maintenance money going to the care of kids and NONE for her. So far, she claims to not want alimony but then her asking for children maintenance is enough to feed her besides the kids. :(

Bro, we ALL know it's an uphill battle. It's up to you to run up the hill. It is defintely not simple but it's not rocket science also.

2 years already, I'm sure you should have collected enough evidence from PI on her nightly activities by now? Probably even a timetable? With this, she can't even say that she was "working" unless she's a bartender?

The more effort you put in now to safeguard yourself and your kids, the more returns you will have in the future in terms of your financial health AND amount of time you can enjoy with your kids.

Your defeatist attitude will only ensure that you DO get defeated.:(

[Ichigo_Kurosaki]

…..My kids have grown up abit and i am still very close to them and love them dearly. Their mother is still unreasonable and still comes back late frequently and do whatever she likes without a care for the children…..we have agreed on joint custody and i am willing to give her care and control to avoid a bitter custody battle. I know its tough for a father to win in most divorce cases.

…..My lawyer and based on my research tells me men will always be at the losing end as the court prefers to grant care and control to the mother…..Why can't she recognise that she has a responsibility to the kids…..To be fair, she loves the kids but she just does not want to be responsible for taking care of them daily…..

Bro C101 is right - Your defeatist attitude will only ensure that you DO get defeated.

Child custody proceedings are "Child-Centered" , designed for the protection of the child and is determined on the basis of what the court deems 'in the best interests' of the concerned child. The court will decide on which parent will be better able to provide for the child's needs. As long as there is no evidence of misconduct on the part of either parent, their rights to child custody are considered Equal. For this reason, the parent's history, mental state, financial capability and relationship with his or her child will be considered when the court has to make a decision.

For sole legal custody to one parent, it will only be awarded if the court finds evidence that it is really for the child's best interests.

Never lose heart or the will to fight before a battle. Work out a strategy with your lawyer. You are paying him to win NOT to lose!!! :)

[Cheonging101]

Never lose heart or the will to fight before a battle. Work out a strategy with your lawyer. You are paying him to win NOT to lose!!!

If want to pay to lose, can call me. I confirm can let you "soldier lose like mountain fall". :D

Bro TS, if you cannot do more to fight for your kids, you think the judge will let you get close to them meh? :rolleyes:

If you got some cash, go and buy a CCTV and film your front door. I'm sure with the footage of your wife coming home late at night for an entire month should help you somehow.

[sidewinder2007]

thanks bros. yes, i have some evidence at hand. however i am trying my best to settle this amicably as i feel thats best for the kids. not healthy to see 2 parents fighting. if i "show hand" now, i think it will be a very long drawn battle. i wish to avoid that unless i am forced to one corner.

[chameleon589]

I came across a case like that myself. Never married to the gal, but was "with her" for a year. She never let me touch her or anything. Always like two strangers.

I also end up feeling very disillusioned and went commercial. But, now farking regret. You cannot be too serious with women. Will end up getting hurt by them.

Somemore, you just cannot tell if she had been sleeping around. Cheers bro, I know its a terrible feeling. Some women dunno the meaning of karma.

Ha Ha.I like that statement "U cannot be too serious with women.Will end up getting hurt by them."

I have a friend who intends to marry a divorcee,who has no children and once tried to commit suicide due to divorce,her ex-husband had a extra marital affair with a China gal i.e.mistress.My friend gave her moral support and encouraged her to move on with life during her times of relationship difficulties.Then suddenly one day she decided to go oversseas (UK) to further her studies(1 year MBA).My friend supported her decision and even wanted to support her financially ,if there is a need.However,when she graduated and came back to Singapore,her attitude changed completely as if my friend is a stranger to her !One day,my friend proposed to her for the whole night but she gave many excuses blah..blah..got to repay back loans to her father blah....blah.Eventually,my friend let go and did not contact her anymore until now (few years already).Maybe she remarried and divorced again ? OR maybe she is still unmarried ? I think it is a blessing in disguise that my friend did not marry her .Luckily she showed her true colours before any marriage.Well,Life is suffering,one of the noble truths of the teachings of Buddha !

[Loving_Dickhead]

Thank you all bros for your kind words of encouragement and support. I wish you all well in the new year.


Bro, I wish you well too. Everyday onwards from today as my message goes.

I am not too old but have went through quite a lot in life. Some good bro told me, "A Wife's best friend is the Husband's worse enemy" - it can never be a stronger statement than as it is. Should the wife's best friend is one with lose values, the situation categorically can be much worse.

I have been through some similar shit some years back, now I am much stronger. My wife has not cheated but her temper/cold-war treatment and refusal of love-making can be terrifying. All thanks to the advices of a so-called good friend, who loves clubbing and was then going through a D.

We have 3 kids now and my wife is home daily except when doing marketing and turning up at my office to spot check on my partners/employees. Her movements are tracked, which I have my ways. I have another GF outside and she knew about it. This relationship makes and keeps her on her toes - all thanks to her good friend.

I am lucky to have come from a prominent and relatively influential family as well as running my self-made businesses. My wife and her friends knew from the day back then when I turned " 包青天" on not messing with me.

When I am good, I am very very good. When I am bad, I am down to the core rotten.

Now I control my wife's whereabouts, her schedules and most importantly her friends. She is working hard now to earn back my love and trust. I go home as and when I fancy, I will ask her to video conference me in as and when I like. I will ask her to meet me where and when I prefer. There is only one way for her, and its my way. BTW, I still talk gently and lovingly to her as well as not abusive in anyway - I am not a person who lay hands on women.

Best,
LDH :D


.

[HCISB]

the best is to seek e professional consultant on marriage... is on new paper when some abuse case is reported =x well if u love ur kids there sure to be some love ur wife too ..... sometime we are jus blinded ....like ghost cover eyes.. den we do the wrong move when one can't overcome the uncomfortable times... is not easy to walk so far... I believe ur wife is also facing the same music as u.... Communication is on the RED .... talk to ur wife.... bring her out for romantic dinner ....

[Oceanlee]

this is getting too patience .... TS,

In my life, I have seen couple's jump into marriage too fast or too late and end up with each on their separate way. If you listen to them, both will tell you blah blah story or cited reason which seem so truth.
(the finger pointing game, the self-ego project imagine and all the "I" myself).
so much for digest and such a long way of patience and goodwill to cherish it but still no result ..... perhaps, you recognise the problem, but you work the wrong method and fail to execute on the backdrop to reunion it.

With today context, like MSN, dating website, hectic worklife and communication so advance, one can easily been prey or fall for the comfort that our next of kin or the missing link that require's to fulfill the innermost of our emptyness.

At nearly 40 is still alright and apart from worklife your next balance will be your children. I urge you to view this matter and put into action with a holistic approach and work your way to end this down-turn.

Just my humble view, it might seem difficult but the process and emotion void's will never be the same. All this typing and my 2 cents speech, pls handle this and handle it amicably and well with understanding and wisdom and WALK TALL LIKE A MAN since the divorce is on the table, period. ;)
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Take good care and life journey is like a book, with chapters and story.
OL

[sidewinder2007]

the best is to seek e professional consultant on marriage... is on new paper when some abuse case is reported =x well if u love ur kids there sure to be some love ur wife too ..... sometime we are jus blinded ....like ghost cover eyes.. den we do the wrong move when one can't overcome the uncomfortable times... is not easy to walk so far... I believe ur wife is also facing the same music as u.... Communication is on the RED .... talk to ur wife.... bring her out for romantic dinner ....

thanks bro. i know your advice means well. However, its really too late for my case. I have no love for her at all at this stage and honestly I cannot stand the sight of her.

[sidewinder2007]

Bro, I wish you well too. Everyday onwards from today as my message goes.

I am not too old but have went through quite a lot in life. Some good bro told me, "A Wife's best friend is the Husband's worse enemy" - it can never be a stronger statement than as it is. Should the wife's best friend is one with lose values, the situation categorically can be much worse.

.

Thanks bro. your statement above hit on the spot. It all started to take a turn for the worse when her so called "best friend" who was in the midst of a separation with her own husband started to go out frequently with her for "drinks". Thats how she ended up clubbing frequently. We dont club a lot during our courting days so maybe its her way of enjoying things she missed before. Sigh! :(

[Vectra]

Nowadays marriage seem to be just a paper of convenience, no longer being taken serious as before. There are tons of stories be it around friends or on the daily news to see.

Interesting thread...:cool:

[bigxos]

Hi Bro SW, i just stepped into 40's and also in the condition like u for the past 1 yr, my wife changed after the birth of my prince and always claim that she's too stress on work and ignore me quite often till now no talk, kiss, hug and touch. but life still goes on, i started to go gym and swim and getting back to my past life b4 married her so we must learn how to live on without them then maybe they will start to turn around.

[Ichigo_Kurosaki]

....."A Wife's best friend is the Husband's worse enemy".....

Hi Bro LD, these words are so true of these 三姑六婆 :)

[Bangster]

side track abit...

the 'wise' of old say "When a woman dies, her mouth is the first part to rot."

and

"When a man dies, his dick is the first part to rot."

True or not?

[cmelater]

Ha Ha.I like that statement "U cannot be too serious with women.Will end up getting hurt by them."


Of course leh. :D I also gone through this path, except never married with the girl. Fark the sg whores.

Was telling friend, the diff between a sg whore n a prc gal is the former know ang moh. Else, no diff one. Both are like commodities. It applies to gals of any race, unless the girl can respect herself first.

Its very stupid that girls (these days) don't know how to respect themselves. If they can't respect themselves, how can we men learn to trust them? Impossible siah.

Serious or no serious, most sg gals don't deserve to be treated more fairly than criminals. When they can't have things their way, what do they do? They do the same things. Wear short short or wear lower. Or whine on msn or facebook. All of it is just trying to catch attention. Or call up some guy whom they never really like in the first place and try to get the poor fellow to entertain them.

Are there sg girls who would use their head (instead of their looks) to solve problems?.... apparently, there aren't many. :rolleyes: A lot of the sg girls rather get banged by the wrong guys than to give the serious chaps a chance. Sounds familiar? Its like the same script being played over and over.

To the guys out there, dun be too serious with sg girls. Really no point one. How good you are or how nice you are, the girl will never remember. When things get ugly, the girl will never remember one. When you down and out, confirm her phone also forget your number. Its not the occuption or what the girl do. Its her values which make her look... and feel cheap.

It wasn't a long time ago when I still believed in chivalry and integrity. Today, those are rubbish. They don't prove anything. Being dirty and low means winning the game. Cheating is a correct means to win the game. If there was anything that has to be wrong, its about not being dirty and low enough.

[sidewinder2007]

Its been almost 3 years since i first posted. Thought maybe its time i update my status and share whats happened since. Well..... divorce negotiation has lasted for coming to 2 years since i initiated divorce proceedings. we are still negotiating the ancilliary matters and have even gone to 2 mediation session with a judge but still unable to come to an agreement. I have also changed to a second lawyer as my first lawyer was too "soft" and was not suitable in case i end up going to trial.
Sigh. Life goes on and I am even more attached to my kids then before. I suppose the long delay could be my subconscious effort to delay the inevitable. Though my career is going well, I am lonely and miserable without a partner to share with.
Gut feel tells me that there is high probability i will end up going to trial and the negotiation will eventually break down. even though my second lawyer tells me that the Singapore court favors the mother, I think I owe it to myself to do my best for the kids as I truly believe i am the better father. I am still home early and helps the kids with their homework every nite while she came home at 11pm+ for the last 2 nites and some nites way past midnite.

Sigh....... :( When will all these end.

Sorry to all bros here for my whining and venting. Need to let it out or else i will go mad.

[exskk]

Bro be strong whatever the outcome is you had done your part ! There's always a Tomorrow and it may be a better day !

[lightning]

I think nowadays it is best not to have too many children as they can be a burden when comes to divorce. It will be hard to find another life partner. But to TS, I wish all the best in your life and hope that you will find a partner whom you will be truly happy with.:)

[wsa98]

Bro Sidewinder2007

At least you are still alive and kicking !

Have you heard or seen those in illness (Cancer or Others) and sharing the same situation with you too ?

This is even more miserable.

Money is necessary to sustain living. Guess if you have no income, what then ? No chance for lawyers to flight for you. Take a trip holiday. You may find other unexpected wonders.

[big wood]

bro after all the bad things that had happen eventually good things will come around may god bless u

[thomas88]

I've only read the initial part of your posting and this page and realised that you're still in this misery.

I've gone through almost similar case like yours for ten over years with my wife since the birth of my first daughter. During these period, we quarrel at the slightest matter and she'd not talk to me for months to the longest stretch of a year and a half.

The difference between your wife and mine is mine don't stay out with friends at all but a very devoted mother. We've comtemplated divorce twice also but made up after thinking of the damage it could do to our kids. Now we don't quarrel like before.

I really hope you'll work out everything well and be free from this misery which I've been through for over a decade..:(

[MoralEpitome]

Reading though this thread I can relate as well as empathize....it's also very hard warming to see the sharing by the bros...it proves that not all samsters are just horny and bastardly....I think that as human we change....it's not easy maintaining a marriage life...and there are bounds to be ups and downs...obviously TS's wife has changed and is not a good wife or mother regardless whether she loves the kids or not...as a man...we have to accept it....and keep our pride...lets not wallow in self pity....one thing though is to keep separate accounts and don't let her know how much you have....dont haolian to her how much you have and how much you earn....I am not sure if the woman is entitled to half your assets in the event of divorce...but keep it clean and separated....i am not saying don't take care of your wife...but I have seen many cases where joint accounts are stuck because of such quarrels...

[sidewinder2007]

I've only read the initial part of your posting and this page and realised that you're still in this misery.

I've gone through almost similar case like yours for ten over years with my wife since the birth of my first daughter. During these period, we quarrel at the slightest matter and she'd not talk to me for months to the longest stretch of a year and a half.

The difference between your wife and mine is mine don't stay out with friends at all but a very devoted mother. We've comtemplated divorce twice also but made up after thinking of the damage it could do to our kids. Now we don't quarrel like before.

I really hope you'll work out everything well and be free from this misery which I've been through for over a decade..:(

If my wife was a devoted mother, I would gladly let her have care and control of the children. unfortunately, she comes and goes as she pleases without sparing a thought for others and the kids. She never asks about the kids homework as she knows i am on top of it. She never cares about the kids day to day activities as she knows either me or my parents will take care of it. I know she loves the kids but only in a way where other people will do the dirty work while she only do those things that she likes to do. as i write this note, she is still not home and its my son's birthday. sigh.

[sidewinder2007]

thanks everyone for your support and concern. really appreciate it.

[bluecola2003]

sidewinder2007兄:
At the very least you are healthy and well, as other bros have put it, one door shuts and another one opens.

I am not married yet but I can empathize with how you are feeling cos I have some friends in the same situation.

I guess what I wanna say is to be strong and to keep on going :)

[nin-nao-hiah]

Happy belated birthday to your little boy. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I myself am in a similar situation: mrs & I have differing characters & are in a children-centred marriage. Take care & remain strong.

[hoosdathu]

hope TS 2nd lawyer really make the effort fight for u...
sillypore family courts biased towards mothers :(

stay strong, we're all behind u, bro!

[ekemono]

I would not encourage TS to start a divorce without some evidence that the marriage has broken down due to her. Bear in mind bros, the Women's Charter is extremely biased towards the women. Any wrong move and TS may end up paying alot for the mistake.

I came to understand that TS's wife enjoy the night life.
I also believe that as humans, we instantly are attracted to people who share the same "lifestyle" with us. And with an opposite sex, the attraction may develop further.
So I urge TS to investigate into her night activities. With suspicion of adultery one can seek a PI services as at later period these evidence can be extremely helpful for TS.

In a generic term, if both TS and the wife doesn't have a wide age gap, then salvaging the marriage are another positive avenue to take.
However, in some instances, a young mind tends not be to so stable and grew to realised her needs are different from her current situation. Thus, her defiant brings unhappiness to the family and marriage.

No matter the situation, without evidence favourable to TS, do not initiate a divorce. That's how it sucks in SPG

With my limited England, hope it make sense to TS

[eXia-san]

Bro,that is damn wrong about ur "wife"!!! If i were you that last until now,when own son's birthday oso dint celebrate but cheong-ing,i rather hire a assassin or rapist to rape her or watever 99!! This wife really cant forgivable since we cant beat our wife that can cause us police case. Sometimes life is really hard and complicated so just moved on bro!!
Will support your decision!! Go go go!!! Do wat is rite!!

[thomas88]

If my wife was a devoted mother, I would gladly let her have care and control of the children...She never cares about the kids day to day activities as she knows either me or my parents will take care of it...sigh.

I really sympathize you and your kids for having such a wife and mother. You should get a PI to record all her movement in staying out late many times a week as it'll help you in your custody fight of the kids.

Try to win the custody of your kids as they're the real victim and should at least be given as best of a proper love and care as possible which I don't think your wife can ever provide them with. :(

[Softcore]

Having seen my parents divorce, I can tell you from first hand experience that staying together for the sake of your kids will serve as a more traumatic experience. It is very unhealthy for your kids if they see you ignoring, quarrelling, bickering, scolding or laying blame on your wife everyday.

Do your kids a favour and have a quick divorce, then explain to them why you and your wife had to divorce.

[Max77]

Everybody wants a happy live. But most of them dunno how. Saving ur marriage is not easy. Those guns n armour on her/him is the result of u-hard to believe?

Because life is so stressful it's so much easier to hurt someone unknowingly then making an effort to make her/him happy.

So inorder to even think of how to save ur marriage, maybe u gotta save urself first. If u can't even swim, can forget about ur drowning wife/husband/kids.

[NikonCamera]

Its been almost 3 years since i first posted. Thought maybe its time i update my status and share whats happened since. Sigh....... :( When will all these end.

Sorry to all bros here for my whining and venting. Need to let it out or else i will go mad.

Hi Bro Sidewinder2007, it isn't whining at all. It's sharing. Well, at least you're brave enough to let it out and share with us. I'm also going through something similiar, sometimes I just feel it's a time bomb and something might happen one day. Communication isn't good and I'm trying hard to keep it intact due to my children. Just drop by and wish you luck. Please hang in there as your children need you.:)

[911GT3Cup]

hi sidewinder2007,

just read this thread today. just wanna say my heart goes out to you :(

unfortunate things may just happen to anyone, anytime. me too had my fair share of unfortunate events.

take care, bro.

[dgsk]

Bro Sidewinder2007

I am truly sorry for the state you are in. Although I am blessed not to be in your shoes, I have seen many friends of both sexes go through marital woes with different endings. Here are some of the points I don't understand, maybe because I haven't read through the entire thread explicitly.

1) As many have said here, the likelihood of your wife having varying types of affairs outside is very high. Why have you not gotten PIs to record all this?

2) On what grounds is your wife contesting the divorce? On what grounds have you filed for divorce? The most obvious, barring proof of infidelity, would be "irreconcilable differences". This should have become obvious to the court during the mediation sessions.

3) Is your wife fighting for custody of your child? Considering her lifestyle, she would only use this as a tactic to try to blackmail a higher settlement out of you, considering what you have described of her behaviour towards the child and her lifestyle.

4) Why were you not told to start formal separation way back in 2007? Even staying in separate rooms under the same roof counts in the eyes of the law; for as long as it is documented, time starts for the 3 year rule.

5) Have you been taking incessant amounts of pictures during significant moments of your child's life to show her glaring absence during those times? If so, have you presented them to the courts for consideration?

6) It is true that the Women's Charter seems lopsided and outdated, but be that as it is, many of the settlements today are not as ridiculous as before. Do be prepared to give away half of the assets you have amassed during marriage. That cannot be helped. It is like paying taxes. What you can and should have done is to recollect as much information on what wealth you have truly created during matrimony to prevent paying more than that. That said, consider it the cost of having a beautiful child, much like employing the services of a surrogate mother to give birth. Thinking that way may reduce the mental torture you are experiencing.

Good Luck

[sidewinder2007]

I would not encourage TS to start a divorce without some evidence that the marriage has broken down due to her. Bear in mind bros, the Women's Charter is extremely biased towards the women. Any wrong move and TS may end up paying alot for the mistake.

I came to understand that TS's wife enjoy the night life.
I also believe that as humans, we instantly are attracted to people who share the same "lifestyle" with us. And with an opposite sex, the attraction may develop further.
So I urge TS to investigate into her night activities. With suspicion of adultery one can seek a PI services as at later period these evidence can be extremely helpful for TS.

In a generic term, if both TS and the wife doesn't have a wide age gap, then salvaging the marriage are another positive avenue to take.
However, in some instances, a young mind tends not be to so stable and grew to realised her needs are different from her current situation. Thus, her defiant brings unhappiness to the family and marriage.

No matter the situation, without evidence favourable to TS, do not initiate a divorce. That's how it sucks in SPG

With my limited England, hope it make sense to TS

Thanks bro. Yes, u r right. the Womens Charter is firmly protecting the mother regardless of whether they are good or bad. both my lawyers have advised me that my chances are slim based on my circumstances. However i am not giving up without a fight. I am trying to be as amicable as possible and have given in a lot including care and control. All i am asking for is more access time. However her recent actions are giving me cause to suspect that she may just want to cut me out of my kids life. :( BTW, our age are very close.

I wonder why is it we cannot remain amicable for the sake of the children. Anyone watches Cougar Town where the lead character still remain in good terms with her ex husband despite the divorce? Why cant my wife be like that? HAHAHAHHAA. i know i am being silly to compare my case to a TV show. I really do wish it was like that. Divorce doesnt mean we cannot be friends despite the divorce. Sigh. I miss the companionship so much (not just sex). I miss having to come home and share my day with my love one. I miss the care and love showered on me by my companion (other then my kids :)) I guess i am just lonely and miss the feeling of being loved and of giving love. I look forward to the day when all this is behind me and I can find someone who will love me and for me to love her.

To all the bros who posted comments. THANK YOU. It helps to hear your support.

[lightning]

Cheer up man:D:D Whatever difficulties come, do face it with a positive, graceful and brave attitude. Do not let emotional feelings blind your judgment in performing the correct necessary actions. Just do your utmost to win the rights for your kids. Maybe you miss those moments, but hopefully you will gain another better companion than before and who will love your kids as much. Now concentrate full focus to prioritize matters:)
Cheers and JIA YOU!:D

[sidewinder2007]

Having seen my parents divorce, I can tell you from first hand experience that staying together for the sake of your kids will serve as a more traumatic experience. It is very unhealthy for your kids if they see you ignoring, quarrelling, bickering, scolding or laying blame on your wife everyday.

Do your kids a favour and have a quick divorce, then explain to them why you and your wife had to divorce.

Thanks bro. I totally agree thats why i only found the courage to initiate divorce 2 years ago. Its not normal for parents to treat each other as strangers in the same household. sigh. As much as i want a quick divorce, i am worried about the kids if i do lose access to them.

[tomvoyeur]

Lay down the past, do the best you can and move on forward. :)

[sidewinder2007]

Just watched a music video from Bon Jovi on MTV and the lyric goes "What do you got if you ain't got love.....". Makes me think.......


Thanks again to all bros who posted their advices and encouragement. Cheers.

[cereal-killer]

Hi sidewinder,

Sometimes it's hard to give up your children over a divorce. I was in your shoes a long time ago, I gave in after my lawyers said I had a slim chance of winning. End of the day when the kids are grown up, they will understand. Just don't forget them when they're older. Keep in touch with them.

She may want the divorce, but end of the day when the flubs and wrinkles sets in, as she gets older and older, she WILL regret it. Maybe then you'll be able to get back together? Who knows.

Today, I am still seeing my children, go out with them together with my new wife. We get along very well... I am a much much happier man then when I was with my party-going ex-wife who comes home 6am eveyr weekend (sometimes dint even come home and end up in hotel) terok woman... Plus she's not even good looking which ever way you look at her. 10 years after, she,s still single, party with men but no one takes her seriously, and now regretting.

Move on brother.

[sidewinder2007]

Its been almost 5 years since I started this thread. In a way its like self therapy and a way to allow me to vent my frustration. In case you are all wondering whats the outcome since. I finally had my divorce finalised early 2011 (legally I am single now). However, all is not done as the ancilliary matters have yet to be resolved till today. Every time, when we had an agreement in front of her lawyers or the mediator, she would back tracked and change her mind. It left me no choice but to eventually pulled out of further negotiation when her demands became unreasonable and fight her in court. I am now in the midst of filing my second affidavit and its frustrating when she blatantly lies in her first affidavit. I am no sitting duck and have also secretly prepared my own arsenal to defend my case. As much as I had hoped to be amicable for the sake of the children, this is now no longer possible. I only hope I can receive a fair judgement eventually and hope for the best for the children. Its gonna be another long road ahead and i foresee no closure to this for at least another 6-12 months to finalise the anciliary matters. Hope to have a happier 2013.

[crashburnt]

Bro TS,

It's rather saddening reading your plight and makes me more appreciative of the harmonious marriage I am in now...

I pity your kids and I feel you should go all out to secure full custody. They are not going to be brought up well with that kind of mother. If you are not attached now and do not see yourself going into another courtship, perhaps you can look for an arranged marriage with a suitable partner. Having a complete family will strengthen your case. This is especially so if you do not have family support to look after your kids after divorce.

Keep the updates coming...


CrashBurnt

[sugardad]

I would like to share my own experience with you and sorry if I am long winded but will keep it to the point.

I had 1 affair and a couple of ons, FL here and there but my ex-wife had affairs.

I divorce her abt 6 years ago and our marriage lasted for 14 years. My daughter is now 19 and we just spoke on the phone last night.

I had my 1 and only affair than ( didn't really bother to hide it ) because I was deprive of sex (once a month) by her . She beg me to stay and give her another chance which I did even when she found out abt my affair than...I later knew why ( she was having an affair than and thought that I found out and was taking revenge ). I was such a dumb ass.

Later I was being treated worse when she realised that I did not know anything and it was back to her old days and worse. 7 years ago, she asked for a divorce , ask for half my income, my house, my KL condo..... I told her go fly kite.

My mom intervene and ask me to give in and my ex-wife too, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!! ( Later explain that part.)

We tried for another 6 months and it was going no where, she ask for divorce again, I gave in, including the custody of my 2 kids but no monthly payment, Just gave her my FD of XXX K.

End of story ?? No, she went on to proceed with the filing, ya at her own cost, and all I have to do is to sign the paper. I smell something fishy as I was preparing to move out, rented a small condo, 2 bed room and start a new life on my own. I explained to my kids that it was not their problem or mistake or fault, just that dad and mum is fighting too much and we have to go our separate ways but I am forever your dad.

So when I sign the papers,(after I moved out for a week) I purposely miss a page. But I called her to tell her all was done infront of the lawyer with the legal assistance telling her that I had done so. Guess what happen that night ?? She bought her BF back home without even hiding from our son and daughter.

After my son and daughter told me that , I realise I 've been conned..... I spoke to my mum, she said that I should have tried to keep the marriage as the way she did for us and put up shit from my dad for 30 years....Now she can have her own life and it doesn't concern me.......my mum said that to me ?????? Whos mum are you ????? and the relationship between my mum had never recovered from that point.

I called my wife, told her that we are not divorce yet cos I have not signed all the paper and now you are caught having an affairs with a muslim married man........She threaten to get people to beat me up, etc, etc, etc......and I said, the telephone conversation is recorded under advisement of my lawyer and I got you now. ( of course it wasn't recorded ) . Lets deal.....

I did not take anything back but instead transfered everything to my kids name, told her nicely to FUCK outside the house instead of inside the house with our kids present. We made other verbal deal with her BF present.

Now, I am happier, I can see my kids as and when I want, she cannot object. My kids are happier with me than before cos I am not angry anymore, I can be the dad I want to be without worrying abt anything and till today, I HAD NEVER bad mouth anything abt my ex-wife.

As to my mum, we had a fight over her putting up with my dad for 30 yrs and I should had done the same.....

I said' " Mum, I did that for a few years and I was fuck over many times by your daughter in-law. Kids are happier with me now and not like I can be happy with you with your constant anger you took out on me during my childhood. I was lucky to realise that I had made such a stupid mistake. " .........we had never spoken since.
Maybe not now, maybe you will realise that you had taken out on your kid and dont know it.

Morale of the story.
1. End it when its not working anymore.
2. YOur kids know what's right or wrong. ( No need to bad mouth ex and they are a very clever bunch.)
3. Catch her fault later. Not in the mids of it. ( Hire PI to prove your case but use it when its necessary and use 1 case at a time. Also to satisfy your own needs to know you have not done anything wrong. )
4. Do what is right for you first and than do what is right for your kid.
5. NOBODY CAN AND WILL HELP YOU. You can only depend on yourself.

As to the best friend part, there is a woman best friend that did meddle with our marriage.

Live your life better and that is the best revenge you can give her.

[sidewinder2007]

Thanks bro sugar dad
I agree with your advices and I am already doing it.

[kockadood]

Read most of your stories and I have to say it's plenty food for thought. As I do want to eventually settle down..

Needless to say that I must ensure the challenges for before and after of marriage is well met.


So bros who have a good start and matchup, unlike bro sidewinder and sugar dad, are there other possible pitfalls anyone has encountered?

[Lucius_Verus]

After reading the tread.. Must pay tribute..& salute all the loving daddy which always put our children at first priority.. Let's bless everyone have a blissfull & happy live with our lovely children..

[sidewinder2007]

Bro Kockadood, honestly, there is no magic formula. people change after some time. Today's modern women have high expectations and are no longer similar to the older generations. sigh! Good luck though.

[ELTaz]

Read most of your stories and I have to say it's plenty food for thought. As I do want to eventually settle down..

Needless to say that I must ensure the challenges for before and after of marriage is well met.


So bros who have a good start and matchup, unlike bro sidewinder and sugar dad, are there other possible pitfalls anyone has encountered?

I believe every couple has their fair share of ups and downs, some serious and some are not, but in the heat of the argument, all the negativity is amplified.

These days, there are more cases of depression, and unbeknownst to me, my wife suffered from not long before our marriage. My pitfalls are the problems in dealing with my wife's depression, the lack of support and understanding from her parents regarding her condition, and of course, our character differences.

The thought of divorce came to my mind more than once as someone with depression is really hard to live with. This also affects our sex lives. I know I am not alone as I had come across similar stories littered all over the Internet.

Today, my wife's condition is definitely a lot better compared to when we didn't seek medical help. There is something worrying though. My wife noticed that our toddler son exhibits frustration like how my wife does when she's suffering from panic attacks. I know how sensitive my son is and he doesn't cry when he's scolded, and we know he's bottling up his emotions.

Nevertheless, life is a long journey and there are things we have to live with and overcome. Don't be put off by obstacles.

[kockadood]

Bro Kockadood, honestly, there is no magic formula. people change after some time. Today's modern women have high expectations and are no longer similar to the older generations. sigh! Good luck though.

appreciate it Bro sidewinder, just that line shows that being adaptable is still one of the best traits one can have. (if the brith signs are anything, it means that im very good at being adaptable and 'two-faced')

from my many encounters, not alot actually, i only meet either the ones with high expectations, or the ones that are utterly naive, which will eventually meet a bad guy and turn to the former.

i still do know good girls from time to time, most of the time by just being frank and direct and telling them that i dont like wasting time. so either you are with me in being sincere or you arent. though these good girls or naive girls get so caught up in the game of trust that they cant trust a decent fella and tell apart from a holehunter, which ironically ends up with them getting hunted.

yet to meet a very strong woman that can handle herself pretty damn well in most aspects. but i believe its a minority over the majority.. which means the rarer and more treasured it should be. so giving up on trash is always a good thing. better late than never :)

i will need all the luck i can get... ;)

I believe every couple has their fair share of ups and downs, some serious and some are not, but in the heat of the argument, all the negativity is amplified.

These days, there are more cases of depression, and unbeknownst to me, my wife suffered from not long before our marriage. My pitfalls are the problems in dealing with my wife's depression, the lack of support and understanding from her parents regarding her condition, and of course, our character differences.

The thought of divorce came to my mind more than once as someone with depression is really hard to live with. This also affects our sex lives. I know I am not alone as I had come across similar stories littered all over the Internet.

Today, my wife's condition is definitely a lot better compared to when we didn't seek medical help. There is something worrying though. My wife noticed that our toddler son exhibits frustration like how my wife does when she's suffering from panic attacks. I know how sensitive my son is and he doesn't cry when he's scolded, and we know he's bottling up his emotions.

Nevertheless, life is a long journey and there are things we have to live with and overcome. Don't be put off by obstacles.

never was put off by obstacles. life dealt me a seriously bad hand of cards, but i do always believe in trying to make the most out of it. (all the bros who gamble here etc will believe in this to a certain extent) now i just let anything good or bad empower me instead of bringing me down.

its still good to know that there are plenty of genuine people out there and still plenty of good souls willing to try their best. that itself already redeems a little on the rotten society and twisted world that i gave up in a long time ago.

as they say, only the insane are sane in a world of insanity.

i do appreciate your sharing of experiences and advice. thanks bro :)

[wsa98]

Please keep enough $$ to weather through the thick & thin in life. You are alone now and we are here to provide morale support to all in need !

Take Good Care